Ten chicks I'd hook up with from young adult books that have been turned into movies

In my last post, I promised to have a discussion regarding the hotness of Kristen Stewart. I never want to disappoint my fans, but I also realized that I could expand on this topic much further. So, ladies and gentleman, I present to you (after much deliberation):

The Current List of Ten Chicks (in no particular order) I'd Hook Up With From My Favorite Young Adult Books That Have Been Turned Into Movies


1. Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan in the Twilight series

Okay, I actually hated the Twilight books and the movies. I am wary about listing them in this category but Kristen Stewart is just so.damn.hot. Seriously. I don't give a shit about Bella and her angst with those cold, creepy vampires. The books are so poorly written that I wanted to red pen the entire novel or burn them. But, since I read them, and saw the first movie, I feel obligated to put Kristen Stewart on here. Kristen, not Bella, looks good in eyeliner, which, as someone who cannot put eyeliner on without causing a stye, is very hot. Kristen gives me that whole 'I don't give a fuck' look and I know she'd be a pain in the ass with her smirking, but I can't stop looking at her and wanting to try to talk to her. I'm really excited to see her in Snow White because she might be the most bangable of them all.

2. Emma Watson as Hermione Granger in the (later) Harry Potter series.

I really admire Hermione and wish that I was half the woman she was. Not only is she super intelligent, but she's a great friend, brave, and hooked up with a hot Quidditch star. She might be a bit of an insufferable know-it-all, but with the goods that she has, I think we can let that slide. Emma Watson has a new short haircut that I find very cute. She's smart and confident, and she's never the topic of horrible Hollywood gossip. Like her Hermione counterpart, she knows how to break the rules without really getting into trouble. It sucks that she gets with pathetic Ron at the end, but whatever. That's why I can create my own fanfic with an HG/SR pairing.

3. Emma Watson as Sam in "The Perks of Being a Wallflower"

Okay, I know it's totally cheating to have Emma Watson twice, but the truth is, I've wanted to hook up with her character in The Perks of Being a Wallflower long before they even cast her in the role. Actually, the movie isn't out yet, but I'm so excited that one of my favorite angsty YA novels is being turned into a movie that I had to include it. Emma plays Sam, a high school senior with a gay step-brother. The narrator, Charlie, instantly falls in love with Sam's brashness and honesty. She's sexually confident but also vulnerable. Stephen Chbosky created a beautiful character that I relate to because we are both secretly screwed up. I wouldn't just wham bam thank you ma'am Sam, but I'd really want to know her and create a lasting connection. Or at least make out while writing "I love you" on an typewriter. Sorry to get sappy.

4. Liv Tyler as Arwen Evenstar in The Lord of the Rings series

So I have to admit that I only read the Fellowship of the Ring, but I did see all of the movies. I was a fan of the book but even more of a fan of the excellent casting for the movie. Arwen has that amazing mythical innocence that only a Tolkien movie can capture. She may be half-elven but she's a full bodied hottie. I was immediately intrigued by her complicated love story with Aragorn, and even though she was a minor character, her presence lit up the screen. I mean, sure Peter Jackson probably invented a couple of scenes for her, but who's complaining? Never has a chick wearing this many clothes in Middle Earth been so hot. One does not simply look this good when being surrounded by hobbits. 

5. Anna Popplewell as Susan Pevensie in The Chronicles of Narnia series

I'm very aware that the characters in all of The Chronicles of Narnia series were probably around 14-16, but Anna is definitely over 18, and therefore I don't feel like such a creeper. Anyways, Susan is a lot like Hermione--smart, level-headed, and confident. She's a great older sister and hunter. On top of keeping Narnia safe from evil queens and being heartbroken over Prince Caspian, she just looks so good. I think the name  Queen Susan the Gentle doesn't capture her fierce personality. Dawn Treader? I hardly know her!

6. Angelina Jolie as Lisa Rowe in "Girl, Interrupted"

Angelina Jolie is like George Clooney--just timeless beauty. She only gets better with age. I cannot think of one bad role Angelina has been in, but I had to pick this movie from one of my favorite young adult books--Girl, Interrupted. Angelina plays Lisa, a sociopath in a mental institution with main character Susanna Kaysen, played by Winona Ryder (not bad looking either). Lisa constantly escapes the hospital, ignores Whoopi Goldberg's tough love, and is generally a demented pain in the ass. She's pretty evil, but she also has this intrinsic quality that I can't get enough of. She's sexy and she knows it, even before LMFAO sang about it. You really hate her in the movie because she's trouble but you're so captivated by her deranged brain that you can't help but want to make out with her, and smoke pot with her druggie friends.

7. Blake Lively as Bridget Vreeland in The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series

I absolutely cannot get enough of Blake Lively. I loved her in The Town, I currently love her in Gossip Girl (another fine series of YA novels), but I first experienced her hotness in the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Blake plays Bridget, a tall athletic girl from Bethesda, whose mother committed suicide, and has a pretty fucked up family life as a result. Bridget loses her virginity super early and generally is an impulsive train wreck, but she's got this amazing sensitive side that is hard to ignore. Plus, she has killer legs. Bridget Vreeland is that friend you have that you're jealous of but also feel bad for because of all the shit they've had to deal with. Blake plays Bridget just as I imagined her in the series, and even thought we'd be height-mismatched, I'm willing to risk it if she is.

8. Alexis Bledel as Lena Kaligaris in The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series

Alternatively, from the same series, you have the brunette goddess Alexis Bledel playing Lena Kaligaris. Now, I never really watched Gilmore Girls, but I've always found Alexis to be a tremendous actress with stunning eyes. Lena is almost the opposite of the above Bridget: quiet, artistic, calm, and rational. She believes in true love and has a good set of Greek values. She meets a pretty hot guy named Kostos in the first book and their love saga follows all the way into the final fourth book. I like Lena because she's emotionally strong, even if you just want to shake her and yell "Just fuck him, already!"Alexis Bledel has the otherworldly appearance like Arwen, and thus, my attraction increases. Or, I might be hypnotized by her blue eyes. Can't.Stop.Staring.

9. Keira Knightley as Elizabeth Bennet in "Pride and Prejudice"

Nothing like a Jane Austen book to get women feeling lusty. The truth is, like Angelina Jolie, Keira Knightley is just amazing in everything. While I was a huge fan of the BBC miniseries of Pride and Prejudice, I really enjoyed the American version as well. As Elizabeth Bennet, Keira has to play a headstrong girl in a family of five other women with a crazy mother who just needs to marry them off or deal with poverty. She meets Mr. Darcy, played by  Matthew Macfadyen, and thinks he's a snob. Well, they both learn a lot about each other during a series of chance encounters at dances, churches, manors and pubs, and discover that the other isn't what they originally thought they were like. I've always wanted to be like Elizabeth because she doesn't take shit from anyone and is fiercely loyal to her family. These are traits I try to emulate, but I look nowhere near as hot as Keira. Therefore, when my favorite character is played by my favorite actress, it's hard not to want to be with her. Plus, she'll talk dirty to me in a British accent.

10. Anne Hathaway as Mia Thermopolis in "The Princess Diaries"

The Princess Diaries was the first time I ever saw Anne Hathaway in a movie, and I've truly enjoyed her in every movie I've seen since, including Brokeback Mountain, Love and Other Drugs, and Catwoman. In the Princess Diaries, high school girl Mia Thermopolis finds out she's heir to the throne in some weird country in Europe called Genovia. She's pretty klutzy and obnoxious, but as fates will have it, she has to take princess lessons from her grandmother, who is absolutely terrifying in the books, but lovable as Julie Andrews in the movies. Mia undergoes a transformation from gawky teenager to a pretty sleek looking princess. It's a wonder what the flat iron and some mascara will do. Anyways, she has to deal with her desire to become popular and date the hot senior, Josh Richter, while also battling her affections with dorky but sort of hot Michael Moscovitz, her best friend Lily's brother. Oh high school. Anyways, Mia learns all about friendship and family, blah blah, but she's pretty smoking as a verbally incontinent ditz. I'd like to be part of her royal court. 

Honorable Mentions: 

Emma Stone as Olive in "Easy A"

Okay, this is kind of cheating since "Easy A" is only based off of Nathaniel Hawthorne's "The Scarlet Letter" and there already was a movie. But, I didn't find Demi Moore that great in it, and plus, c'mon, how can you deny Emma Stone? She plays Olive, an innocuous high schooler that gains the untrue reputation of losing her virginity. The right wing crazies, led by Amanda Bynes, chastise her, while pretty much all of the guys pay her in gift certificates to Home Depot to say that she took their virginity. Olive holds onto her V-card throughout the whole movie, which is pretty admirable. She eventually gets together with her best friend, played by the same guy who plays Dan Humphrey in Gossip Girl. Anyways, it's definitely a stretch from "The Scarlet Letter", but Emma Stone is super hot. She's got the eyeliner thing going, and is a way less insane redhead than Lindsey Lohan. I like Emma because she'd make me laugh, which is the hottest thing a girl can do. 

Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss Everdeen in "The Hunger Games"

I can't officially add Jennifer on my list because I haven't finished reading "The Hunger Games". I cheated and just saw the movie. So Jennifer, you're an honorable mention until I finally finish the remaining chapters of the book on my bed. But I had to put you on my list, I mean, come on, the girl is on on fire!

And there's my ten-ish. Did I miss anyone you think should be on this list? Let me know! And as always, the book is always better than the movie, until you see how hot the chicks are in real life. 

You’re less likely to get struck by lightning, and other benefits of being short

I have to apologize for taking an extended leave of absence from this blog. In between moving, entertaining many visitors, road races, and walking in on people having sex in the bathroom at Waffle House, I’ve had a super busy past couple of weeks. Also, instead of balancing the two, I’ve been writing more in the infamous ‘beer book’, so much to the point that I’m beginning to hear it narrated by Bob Saget in my head. Oh, that’s right, I’ve also watched 3 seasons of How I Met Your Mother. Dammit Ted.  I anxiously await the day my writing will break free from his pretentious narrations and I can start a sentence without the introduction, “Kids, let me tell you about the time I tried a new beer, drank vodka shots, sang with a band, drank Corona and more vodka shots, and vomited on the hood of my car, on my way to a different bar to try another new beer”.

In fact, I want to take a page out of Barney’s book. That’s right, for the next couple of paragraphs, I am going to write about how awesome I am. Okay, specifically, how awesome short chicks are.

I went out to the movies earlier this week with my roommate Dani and my sister Karen. We encountered a preview for the upcoming “Show White and the Huntsman”. The hotness of Kristen Stewart a discussion for another post, I wanted to know what happened to the dwarves. Maybe I’m spoiled on Disney or poorly misinformed on the real fairy tale, but those dwarves were instrumental to Snow White’s survival in the woods. Plus, she taught Grumpy how to feel again. If that’s not a heartwarming tale of love across overworked dwarves with developing emphysema, I don’t know what is. 


Anyways, it got me to thinking about why short people get the ‘short’ end of the stick, and if they are somehow less of a person. Most of the abuse I've personally encountered or seen to others can be seen in this video here. It’s another one of those “Shit People Say to Short Girls” but I have had over half of these said to me. Including the shit about booster seats, baby hands, being first to drown in a flood, and ordering off kid’s menus.

At a commanding 5 feet (er, 4 feet, 11 and ¾ inches), I’ve also had people tell me I have the personality of someone at least 5’4. I don’t know if this is a compliment or not. Does it mean I literally must be ‘this’ tall to have the personality attributes of an adult, despite what my license proclaims my age is? (Yes Quarry House, I’m STILL over 21, no matter how many times April checks my ID). Does that mean taller people have more personality—that there is an exponential growth the more inches you accrue? If that’s so, I want you to explain Andre the Giant’s limited range of emotions. If I had three selfish wishes that I couldn’t spend on world peace or saving baby seals, my set would not include one to grow taller. And here’s why.

First off, and most obvious, being short is absolutely adorable. People treat you like an orphaned animal and scoop you up to carry you. Seriously, all the time. It doesn’t matter where you’re going--you will spontaneously get scooped and placed in a new walking direction. Think about how many times you wish someone would carry you and now promptly get jealous at how many times I’ve been privy to countless piggyback rides. People bench press me. I always get to stand in the front row of group pictures.  Awesome.

Pity points aside, being short is incredibly practical and actually beneficial to others around me. I’ve had my good friend Aaron sing the stupid song, “Short People Have No Reason to Live”, but who else can crawl under beds and retrieve loose beer bottles? Surely not tall people! Yet, a tiny chick can reach such forbidden depths. I’m an instant armrest for all. On airplanes and buses, coach seats feel like first class for me. The seat behind the driver seat in my car has more legroom than a real first class seat.  I can pack more clothes in suitcases because I have 5 inches less of denim in my jeans. I can buy my clothes in the girls’ section at Kohl’s and save $10 average on said tiny jeans.

I do have to admit the one of my biggest fears some time ago was that any guy interested in me must be a pedophile, since I look like I’m 12. Or, that whenever I’m on a date, people will think it is “take your daughter to work day”.  Apparently, I can put these anxieties to rest because most guys find short chicks attractive. Let’s face it: I’m incredibly bitchy and neurotic. However, these traits are somehow more endearing when they come a hobbit.

To prove this, I found an article from 2002 stating that short women were more likely to be in long-term relationships and have kids than taller women:

“Shorter women are more likely to have long-term relationships with men, and more likely to have children, according to a study of 10,000 people born in the UK in 1958…The average height for a British woman is 1.62 metres (5 feet, 4 inches). But those who were between 1.51 and 1.58 metres were most likely to be married and to have children by the age of 42. This relationship held true even after accounting for social class” (You can read the rest of the article. ).

Then again, this survey is ten years old and written by a group of people who use the stupid metric system. I have no idea how many metERs I am tall, so I want to find some more believable facts.

I was intrigued to find that tall women are actually more scared of short women than the reverse. One blog suggested that short women be fined for dating tall people. It was implied that maybe we [short women] should pick up someone our own size. Written in Amazona, (Link to the blog) the author believes that guys only date short women because men are insecure and feel emasculated by tall chicks. If that’s the case, well high five bro. As a petite Barney Stinson, obviously it’s my goal to bang as many insecure guys with low self esteem as possible.

I’m kidding. This article made me feel mildly guilty, and then promptly more awesome, for being such a five-foot threat. Apparently, this author believes the shorter you are, the more you take advantage of everyone. While I can’t speak for the other short whores out there, I certainly don’t date just to ‘stick it to’ tall women and help guys out with their Mommy issues. That being said, I know plenty of >5’5” sluts. I have yet to find a convincing reason that scientifically states why short chicks are seemingly more successful, outside of some vague associations with evolution.

So, I encountered another British article on a phenomenon called the Tinker Bell Syndrome. It asked, can being small in stature drive ambition? I don’t know if I’m more or less ambitious than the average person, but the logic of the article made sense. Psychologist David Lewis, from MindLab international, stated, (and I’m keeping the stupid British spellings intact):

“In evolutionary terms, small women are as favoured as tall men: females between 4ft 9in and 5ft 1in and men who are 6ft 1in or more are the most likely to marry and have children. But the downside of this is that men – and society in general – will often infantilise petite women, underestimating their intelligence, their strength and their ability to perform even the simplest task. Men, it has to be said, do like to be looked up to by their women.” Ahh…the insecurities of men again!

Lewis believes that this ‘infantilising’ of small women can breed a sense of resentment and rebellion that makes them more ambitious and more flamboyant than average-sized females. He continues, 


“It’s likely that being small could result in a woman developing a Tinker Bell complex. Certainly it explains why we have so many famous examples of tiny women who are larger than life”. The article points to powerful women like Lady GaGa, Kylie Minogue, Dolly Parton, and Jada Pinkett Smith, who have done so much with so little height.

“Funny, fearless and fun-loving, the typical Tinker Bell can sometimes be a little manipulative and self-pitying when, in fact, the last thing they need is pity. However much they might protest, and however high the heels they don, Tinker Bells know they have an advantage in life. Even in bare feet, they are capable of achieving heights beyond the reach of many women who physically dwarf them.

You can read the rest of the article here.

And that’s my case. If you aren’t convinced that short chicks are awesome (if not psychologically unstable from their mental and physical high heels), then keep putting them down. You’ll realize that we won’t shrink, but one day, we’ll actually overpower you. I many not be able to reach the top shelves in my pantry, but I sure as hell won’t stop scrambling on top of my counter to lean on my microwave until I get a can of baby corn--which is way better than full grown corn.