His chin looks like balls should I cover that too?

Before I even started writing this post, I had to listen to the Freakin’ FCC song from Family Guy for motivation (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NDPT0Ph5rA). This post is a long time coming. I have mixed feelings on censorship, which I’m going to, in the most illogical way possible, try to parse out here. If I offend you, fuck off. Well, okay, now you know my feelings on censorship.

A couple of weeks ago, CT’s literary hero, Mark Twain, received some harsh scrutiny. Specifically, his exemplary novel, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. Around the first week of January, publishers announced that they are releasing a scrubbed up version of the book. They’re removing all instances of the n-word within the text as well as any other offensive phrases. I’m going to be straight with you. I hate the n-word, a lot. Ironically, I have no qualms against calling Jewish people by derogatory words (How do you define an anti-Semite? Somebody who hates Jews more than absolutely necessary. Thanks Cooperman). That being said, I will always refer to it as the n-word unless I’m singing along to T.I. and Justin Timberlake’s “Dead and Gone”. Still not excusable, I know. It’s a double standard.

Why is it okay that the n-word has been in music for years but NOW parents, teachers and publishers want it out a timeless American text. I’m not Black but I don’t find that usage of the n-word any more offensive than the music that the rapscallions of American youth listen to today. In fact, I find it more offensive now. I can’t make judgments here on what will offend people or not, but I find this argument similar to censoring Holocaust literature. Sure, every time I see a swastika, I get a sinking feeling in my stomach. Yet, I understand that it was a part of history. As with Huck Finn, I think deleting any instance of the n-word would be like deleting history. Sure, as an American, I’m not proud that we had slavery or tolerate language like that. However, it should be treated as a learning experience and not a lesson in decades late censorship.

Plus, it’s not like kids are going to read the book anyways. I personally Sparknoted it the first time I read it. Kids will hear the n-word more times in one day listening to their iPods than they will if they actually read Huck Finn.

I’m not wholly against censorship either. I’m so wishy washy that I view it as a case by case basis. I get just as pissed as the next person when my favorite scenes from Sex and the City are cut out on TBS. Then again, I don’t want to see nipple during Modern Family (unless it’s Gloria’s). Overall, the idea of a revised book is nice, in theory. It’s great that students can request it and I would never tell anyone what they can and can’t be offended by, except for right now. Yet, it’s a slippery slope. Everything is offensive to someone. Sometimes you just need to man up and take a heavy blow to the face from history. You’ll be a stronger person for it. 

Everything popular is wrong.

Bonus points if you recognize where this quote came from, without using Google. I’ll give you a hint, he’s my favorite wildly gay, Irish playwright from the 19^th century. Okay, now that’s just babytime frolics there with that hint. I’m a serious fan of everything Oscar Wilde, so when I needed a catchy title for today’s post, I looked to the master. Had he lived now or had I lived then, I think we would have been friends. At least, I would have been his beard.

Anyways, I’m going to talk to you about all the popular things I noticed this week that are just terrible. I’ve never been popular (especially if you knew how I looked in elementary school—eek!) but I never aspired to be either. That’s what unpopular kids tell themselves to help them sleep at night. I’m always that day late and a dollar short to the cool club. I just got an iPhone about two months ago. This was awesome for me, but my roommate gave it to me because he upgraded to the iPhone 4 like the rest of America is. I still don’t know how to use this phone, how can I be expected to comprehend the new network? Ignorance is bliss in this instance, but now I’m going to rip on all the trends that are out now that I think are just stupid.

1.  -Running for Senate if you’re under-qualified: That’s right Chris Murphy, this one is on you. Just because Joe Lieberman doesn’t want to seek reelection after his zillionth term in office, doesn’t mean you’re the golden boy for Connecticut’s democrats. Let’s let someone else have a turn before you can jump in. Just like you don’t demand the nice kickballs from the sixth graders at recess when you’re in fourth grade. (Unrelated note, Chris Murphy never responded to my application for an internship two summers ago.)

2.  -Valentine’s Day merchandise: No Facebook ads, I do not want to purchase an “I ‘Heart’ <insert significant other person’s name>” mug, mouse pad or tee shirt. That’s going to suck when we inevitably break up and I’m stuck cleaning coffee dregs out of a failed relationship. Transitory gifts are so much better, like candy or sexual favors.

3.  -Freaking out about snow: buy a shovel and grow a pair. It’s just snow. It isn’t frozen weapons of mass destruction from Al Quaeda. We don’t need to close down the government for a flurry.

4.  -American Idol: Are there really THAT many people still auditioning for this show? Look what happens if you even win. Does anyone remember Ruben, Lee DeWyze or Fantasia? I admit, I had to Google to find their names because the only winner I remember is Kelly Clarkson. There can’t be this many people in America who think they have vocal talent, after ten seasons. (Arrested Development only lasts three seasons? COME ON FOX!)

5.  The State Dinner for Hu. Where’s my invite? Oh right, I didn’t get one because I’m not a successful Chinese American. Sorry I’m not a wedding dress designer like Vera Wang, or star in action flicks like Jackie Chan, ice skate like Michelle Kwan or play a special victims unit psychologist like B.D. Wong. The nail in the coffin is that they threw a "quintessentially American" state dinner (MSNBC). The menu included apple pie. Now you’re sending mixed signals, White House. Is it Chinese or is it American? Either way, I’m snubbed.

And this is what happened in America this week. Don’t you feel foolish now? I’m talking to you, Chris Murphy. You didn't even acknowledge my resume. 

Get rid of the Seaward--I'll leave when I'm good and ready

(don't get the AD reference? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3y00wvzeQs)

I’m not quite sure how it came up today, but somehow my roommates and I got to talking about building ships in a bottle. We were in universal agreement about their awesomeness and then discussed the merits of putting other forms of transportation in a bottle. Why, for instance, is there no airplane in a bottle, or train in a bottle? I’d totally build a scale model of a Bolt Bus because that is my favorite mode of transportation. Regardless, I boldly stated that this was going to be my project for the day. After all, I leave a ton of empty bottles in my wake, why shouldn't I give back to the bottle industry?

Naturally, after this declaration, I was put down. I get it, because I spout a lot of nonsense to these two.  Clyde told me it wouldn’t happen and Alex literally said he didn’t believe in me. I find this lack of encouragement discouraging. As with my resolutions, I only say I’m going to do something if I’m going to do it.  I don’t make empty promises. The second I got home from our roommate brunch outing (want to know where we were? Alex checked us all in on Facebook), I Googled ship in a bottle kits. I found an inexpensive one at Barnes and Noble in Bethesda and I’m going to pick it up as soon as I finish writing this, pending availability in stores. I trolled Craigslist, called hobby stores and other craft stores but Bethesda saved my ass.  That’s right, I will be building a small model of the USS Constitution and putting it in a bottle before the Patriots/Jets game today. To be fair, Alex did believe in me enough to ask at an antique store for me if they did have ships in bottles. I’m almost happy they didn’t because now I get to make one on my own. And now I get to talk about it to my blog readership (LOL!!!!!11 ship pun)

They’re really neat, ships in bottles. I mean, just think about it! It’s boggling my mind right now. It defies everything I know about ships and bottles. It seems daunting. I’m probably going to screw it up and throw it against the wall. I’ll probably make a ton of Titanic jokes too in the process. When it comes down to it, I do believe in myself. I’m not going to let all this negative energy bring me down faster than the water tight compartments on the Titanic. Like Ellen says, I’m going to make it happen, cap’n. 

Pee now, because there are no rest stops in hell

Sorry for the hiatus guys. Ever since New Years, I’ve been busy with all my resolutions (I am now 15% done with my beer goal—the others, not so much) and catching up on work. Most of my readers, and hopefully Karli Salinger is now one of them, spent a good deal of time with me the past week. Here come the shout-outs—I spent far too much time drinking and driving (although not at the same time, don’t worry) with Joe and Asher. We went to Philly for cheese steaks and fries. Joe and Karli accompanied me up the east coast for some good skiing. I met up with Emily in New Jersey for Shabbat and excellent NYC fun. Plus, my sisters got a ride up to CT after a whirlwind week with me in DC/MD. Even Stu got to spend a night at my house and worry about carbon monoxide poisoning. Okay, that’s it for the shout outs. What do almost all of these people have in common? We probably stopped at a rest stop at some point in our time together.

Let me first stress that today’s post is going to be one out of love. I absolutely adore rest stops for a variety of reasons. First, I find that the gas is usually cheaper here. Granted, I make it a point to fill up in New Jersey so I can indulge in the luxury of not pumping my own gas. As they say at the Jersey Shore, ‘We pump our fists, not our gas’. Even the Maryland House rest stop in Aberdeen filled my tires up for air for me, for free. Even though I then had to replace all of my tires in CT anyways because I was driving on ‘borrowed time’, it’s still nice that Marylanders will fill and patch tires for a very reasonable price. Naturally, when Bruce, aka the Sharbear Express is happy and healthy, I’m happy and not dead in a ditch due to an explosive tire blow out.

But that’s not all I love about rest stops. I love the food and the atmosphere. I have fond memories eating Cinnabons with Asher at various rest stops. I have sampled all the various French fries up the North and South lanes of I-95 from here to New York. I now own a Burger King crown from my latest stop with Karli. The best part of rest stops is that you get to meet comrades who are also on a road trip. Everyone is as worn out and cranky as you are, but the second you step out into the slushy parking lot, suddenly you’re rejuvenated. Your bladder sighs with anticipation of release. There will be coffee at this rest stop to replenish your energy and then overtax your now empty bladder. You get to consume the comfort food that your parents told you was bad for you but somehow at a rest stop, Sbarro and Roy Rogers are now manna from heaven. Also, how can you say no to two pairs of RayBan sunglasses for $15? It’s a steal, man. You can also check your weight at rest stops, because every bathroom has a scale attached to a fortune teller. I don't like knowing my fortune though based on my weight, so I don't see why they'd merge those two items together. If you want to further remember your great times, you can get souvenir pennies made! Now that's a terrific 50 cent memory.

I urge you to check out the new Delaware Welcome Center rest stop just over the border in Delaware. For a small state, this is a big area. The hand driers in the marble floored bathroom are especially noteworthy. There’s a Baja Fresh there too, which is unprecedented cuisine for a service area. I’ve been waiting for this area to open for the past five years. It was worth the wait, I assure you. Clearly, I have very little going on in my life if seeing the grand opening of the Delaware Welcome Center was in my five year plan. Well, it was that and go to law school. Oops. At least I've done one of them.

In addition, I play games at rest stops. Because I am Jewish, I can officially tell you about the ‘Spot the Jew’ game. This is a game I invented one day with my Monsey travelers Ali, Jon and Shai. You get five points for every Jew you spot whether in a car but more often at a rest stop. They’re usually very identifiable in their minivans held together with duct tape and kavana. Maybe its discriminatory but it is definitely fun. I accrued 25 points just at the Richard Stockton Service Area alone. Win!

They always say it's the journey, not the destination that is the most memorable. So readers, next time you make the great trek up 95 to spend Shabbat in NYC on the UWS or you’re going to Atlantic City, stop and smell the rest stops. Don’t inhale in New Jersey, though. The rest stops are your friends and you’ll make new friends along the way. At least try and see if you can beat my high score in Spot the Jew.

Am I the last person who actually cares about resolutions?

Happy Secular Calendar New Year everyone, or happy day of Jesus’ circumcision. Seriously—don’t believe me? New Years is 8 days after Jesus was born. Snip snip! Because we are in AD, January 1 is the start of the new year and thus the time when we all strive to make this year better than last. Because this year is the year, right?! We’re going to make it count! This is the year that my gym will suddenly double in population and I’ll have to battle some overweight woman for the treadmill. This turf war will last until the beginning of February when all of a sudden working out isn’t as easy as a champagne fueled promise made it sound. Then, I’ll have Bally’s Total Fitness of Wheaton back until swimsuit season. Although the thought of the people in my gym in bikinis makes me want to projectile vomit. Anyways, I’m off track. I’m hear to criticize you, blog readers. I want you to stick to your guns and make your resolutions count.

I’ve talked to a number of you about resolutions. Everyone says the same thing but then ultimately scoffs at them and says they won’t stick. Why not? Am I the only person I know left who actually has motivation and drive to change? Listen, I’m not that special. I use fancy words and varied sentence structure to inflate my opinion of myself but overall, I’m just a 22 year old who can’t reach the top shelf of all the cabinets in her kitchen. My short arms don’t give me super powers to follow my resolutions. You’re all more capable than me but I think the problem is the type of resolutions you make.

I’d love to lose a ton of weight and look like Brooklyn Decker in a swimsuit. (Who wouldn't)

It’d be awesome find true love and get out of debt and climb Mount Everest. But come on, if you make these resolutions, you’re probably going to fail. Even me with my man thighs can’t climb Mount Everest. You know what my resolutions were last year for 2010? Graduate college, find a job, run a half marathon and be happy at least 75% of the time. And those of you who know me really well will know I did all of those. I’m trying not to brag but these were all attainable because I put in a good amount of effort and because I cared if I succeeded in these. It pisses me off that people make empty resolutions and have no drive to change. If you don’t change, where are you going, really? Having your car stuck in neutral sucks, especially when you don’t have four wheel drive.

I don’t know enough about cars to continue this metaphor. I’m sorry if this isn’t what you signed up for when you clicked the link for this blog. I promise I’ll get back to my normal crap—believe me, I’ve got some gems for 2011. However, I’m sharing my resolutions to inspire you to make yourself happier. Nobody is a superhero but a little bit of work towards yourself isn’t selfish, it’s worth it, I promise.

Sharon’s Resolutions for 2011:

1.      Try 100 new beers (I’m already 2% done with this one!)

2.      Change one aspect of my personal appearance so people don’t think I look 16 all the time

3.      Create a new relationship, whether it be make a new friend or romance

4.      Buy a bike and explore DC/MD

5.      Understand technology a little bit better, including how cars work

6.      Stop taking crap from people who aren’t worthy of me

7.      Eat French fries less, but not totally removed from my diet

I have all faith in myself I can do this. And believe me, all of you out there, I know you can do it too. Because as sappy as it sounds, I believe in all of you. You wouldn’t be my friend on Facebook if I didn’t care about you. Because resolution #6 would have take care of that already.