Bonus points if you recognize where this quote came from, without using Google. I’ll give you a hint, he’s my favorite wildly gay, Irish playwright from the 19th century. Okay, now that’s just babytime frolics there with that hint. I’m a serious fan of everything Oscar Wilde, so when I needed a catchy title for today’s post, I looked to the master. Had he lived now or had I lived then, I think we would have been friends. At least, I would have been his beard.
Anyways, I’m going to talk to you about all the popular things I noticed this week that are just terrible. I’ve never been popular (especially if you knew how I looked in elementary school—eek!) but I never aspired to be either. That’s what unpopular kids tell themselves to help them sleep at night. I’m always that day late and a dollar short to the cool club. I just got an iPhone about two months ago. This was awesome for me, but my roommate gave it to me because he upgraded to the iPhone 4 like the rest of America is. I still don’t know how to use this phone, how can I be expected to comprehend the new network? Ignorance is bliss in this instance, but now I’m going to rip on all the trends that are out now that I think are just stupid.
1. -Running for Senate if you’re under-qualified: That’s right Chris Murphy, this one is on you. Just because Joe Lieberman doesn’t want to seek reelection after his zillionth term in office, doesn’t mean you’re the golden boy for Connecticut’s democrats. Let’s let someone else have a turn before you can jump in. Just like you don’t demand the nice kickballs from the sixth graders at recess when you’re in fourth grade. (Unrelated note, Chris Murphy never responded to my application for an internship two summers ago.)
2. -Valentine’s Day merchandise: No Facebook ads, I do not want to purchase an “I ‘Heart’ <insert significant other person’s name>” mug, mouse pad or tee shirt. That’s going to suck when we inevitably break up and I’m stuck cleaning coffee dregs out of a failed relationship. Transitory gifts are so much better, like candy or sexual favors.
3. -Freaking out about snow: buy a shovel and grow a pair. It’s just snow. It isn’t frozen weapons of mass destruction from Al Quaeda. We don’t need to close down the government for a flurry.
4. -American Idol: Are there really THAT many people still auditioning for this show? Look what happens if you even win. Does anyone remember Ruben, Lee DeWyze or Fantasia? I admit, I had to Google to find their names because the only winner I remember is Kelly Clarkson. There can’t be this many people in America who think they have vocal talent, after ten seasons. (Arrested Development only lasts three seasons? COME ON FOX!)
5. The State Dinner for Hu. Where’s my invite? Oh right, I didn’t get one because I’m not a successful Chinese American. Sorry I’m not a wedding dress designer like Vera Wang, or star in action flicks like Jackie Chan, ice skate like Michelle Kwan or play a special victims unit psychologist like B.D. Wong. The nail in the coffin is that they threw a "quintessentially American" state dinner (MSNBC). The menu included apple pie. Now you’re sending mixed signals, White House. Is it Chinese or is it American? Either way, I’m snubbed.
And this is what happened in America this week. Don’t you feel foolish now? I’m talking to you, Chris Murphy. You didn't even acknowledge my resume.
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