Last night, I met my good friend Asher for beer at the Dogfish Head Ale House. He was coming from a family dinner, and like a responsible person, had already eaten dinner before 9 PM. Even though I highly value eating, I rarely do it at conventional times (evidenced by my 11 PM Cheez-it binges with Alex). So, when I got to Dogfish, I obviously hadn’t eaten dinner yet. It’s your typical pub food but I was ravenous. There were only so many chicken wings and mozzarella sticks you can eat but still be hungry an hour later from. No, I wanted a real fucking meal that I’d be what Louie C.K. calls ‘uncomfortably full’ after. I opted for the roast beef sandwich since I’m on a roast beef kick.
It arrived almost ten minutes later in full sandwich glory. Seriously—toothpicks adorned the sandwich like regal flags from Arthurian legend and the French fries were the loyal subjects of this delicious kingdom. My sandwich came with horseradish, ketchup and that au jus stuff. Since I don’t really like using French words and I live in the goddamn USA, I just call it beef juice.
While I waited for Asher to show up, I started eating the shit out of this mouth orgasm on a plate in front of me. I eyed the ketchup and thought to myself I’d give it a try. I really don’t care for ketchup, but I couldn’t remember why. So, being an adult, I wanted to try it again. It really wasn’t half bad but after 4 fries dipped in this red stuff, I got bored. Unaware that I was doing this, I started dipping my fries in the beef juice. Glorious. And then I started dipping more of my sandwich in it too. That’s when I realized I was dipping my meat sandwich in more meat. I almost had to excuse myself from the restaurant, I was so excited. Luckily, Asher showed up and saved me from what was soon to be a charge of public indecency.
Now, this might not seem like a big deal to a lot of you, but I’m going to level with you. I haven’t eaten meat in a non-kosher restaurant in close to seven years. When I had a steak sandwich with Clyde in Niagara a few weeks ago, I just looked him dead in the eye and shouted, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW GOOD MEAT IS??!?!??!?!?!?”. As usual, Clyde was confirmed that I was still ridiculously inappropriate. I can’t stop eating meat now. I want it for lunch. It’s consuming my thoughts. It’s like Ron Swanson took over my brain. You had me at meat tornado.
Anyways, while stuffing my face with cow last night, it reminded me of my continuous diatribe against vegetarians. I have some good friends who are vegetarians, so I don’t want to disrespect you too much. However, I just don’t get it. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW GOOD MEAT IS? I know that’s not the point. You have lofty reasons of saving animals and respect for the Earth that you uphold. That’s when I ponder, how can an animal lover like myself eat the sheer quantities of animals that I do? I wish I could pull a Hank Hill and calculate how much beef I eat in a year.
When I used to order items without meat in the previous years, my waiters and waitresses would point-blank ask me if I was a vegetarian. The first couple of times I’d gasp at being called such an offensive word and then tried to explain what I was doing. Then, it just got easier to grin and bear it, like a horrible date. Yes, I was a vegetarian, but in reality, my fridge at home is stocked with 15 pounds of Empire chicken nuggets. I was lying to myself whenever I accepted that label but it was better than having to explain what my then skewed definition of keeping kosher meant.
But back to my original question—how can someone like me who saves spiders by bringing them outside instead of squashing them eat as much meat as I do? I love animals so much. I sleep with a stuffed animal seal. I coo when I see ducks. I think cows are adorable but I ate one last night. What the fuck is that all about? I feel like a huge hypocrite because I like animals more than I like most people, but I’ve never eaten a human before. Wouldn’t that be more fair? I bet Republicans taste terrible though.
I have no idea how to counter this crazy logic I mused about for a few minutes while eating a roast beef sandwich, but I wonder if I have to. Humans have been eating meat for thousands of years and I’m not about to change history with my inane ramblings. I can love animals but also love them on a hoagie roll. Life isn’t black and white, after all. It’s all cooked medium.
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