Excuse me, do these effectively hide my thunder? An Impassioned Debate for Denim Democracy

I’m a crusader for gender equality. While there are obvious issues that I won’t touch in this blog because of their contentious nature, I’m here to argue for the more ridiculous ones. For instance, the other day I was in the car with my good friends Emily and Kleidman in DC. I casually mentioned it being so hot I was going to take my pants off (standard conversation starter). Kleidman and Emily then proceeded to tell me that if a man takes his pants off in public it’s a crime that could land him a permanent label as a sex offender, even if he was just doing it to take a leak. Yet, if I were to take my pants off, I’d get a maximum penalty of public indecency. I don’t think it’s fair that my junk is less meritorious of a sex offender status than my male counterpart’s parts.

I’ve been angered by ‘women drinking free’ or ‘women pay less cover’ at bars for years, when men have not only had to pay full price for their drinks, but also buy those for the women, who could obviously afford to pay for a man’s drink. I thought I’d grow some acceptance into this inequality until a new cause was brought to my attention: summer attire.

It’s hot as shit outside. I didn’t want to take my pants off for any other reason in Dupont Circle but that it was blazing. My roommate Dani recently informed me that her office has Jeans Fridays. It’d be great, she proclaimed, if it wasn’t so goddamn hot outside. Who wants to wear jeans in a Maryland summer? I suggested that maybe she could bend the rules to include denim skirts or jean shorts. And then I got to thinking, why is it okay for women to wear jean shorts, but we ridicule the men who do?

Jorts. In the basic form.

I bombarded Clyde with my questions and he gave me some excellent background. Jorts were really popular and even socially acceptable in the 90s. Everyone wore them, even him (sorry for outing you). They were durable and you could go forever without washing them. But like most good trends, people abused them. Essentially, jorts were over worn and now laughable. Desperate for more feedback, I asked Cliff and Jeff later at band practice. Simultaneously, they both responded, YES! And NEVER!, respectively. From what I gather, jorts are a regional thing, as well as a generational garb. Michigan-bred guys like Cliff wear jorts, Marylanders like Jeff, don’t. However, I was pleased to find out that Cliff adorned his jorts with a red racing stripe on the side.

I laugh when I see men in jorts now. According to many of my friends, jorsts are pretty much reserved solely for hillbillies and rednecks. I wouldn’t be surprised if Dani and I started a points game for jorts in public spotting. Yet, I can’t help but feel guilty that I can wear shorts of the same material, and I get away without ridicule. It’s not fair.

I asked fashion-conscious Emily about her view on this. She said that in her mind, jorts are men’s jean shorts and daisy dukes are women’s. Since the nomenclature is different, it is acceptable for women to wear daisy dukes, but men cannot wear jorts. When I replied, ‘But a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, or denim-y, right?”, she wasn’t convinced. They were two separate things. I could see her point of view, but I wasn’t totally sold. When it comes down to it, aren’t they both just shorts made out of denim?

So, I consulted the Internet. Immediately, I found another blog focused on the same topic.  (http://dappered.com/2012/04/style-debate-jorts-on-women/). The premise was, if jorts are laughable on men, are they naturally as ridiculous on women? The comments varied, and here are a select few I find worth repeating here:

·      While guys that were denim shorts look like either dads or little kids it is hard to argue against denim shorts on women. When a woman has a figure and legs that need to be shown off I would say denim short are a close second to skirt/dresses. Third if you count bikinis.

·      womens jorts are great, unless their high waiters and then they look like hill billys 

·      If she's got an ass that wont quit it doesn't matter.

·      Jorts look fine on dudes but they have to be the right ones.

·      don't forget cutoffs for those never nudes out there. There are dozens of us!

Never nude: it's exactly what it sounds like. 

Blogger Joe seems to be in my camp. He says,“Guys get killed for wearing jean shorts.  But women don't.  Seems unfair.  Maybe I wanna wear me some jean shorts.” Who wouldn’t? I love my jean shorts. I wore them three times this week. I’ve had the same pair since middle school and they look fabulous. I’m reminded of the episode of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” where Frank gives Dee’s veteran boyfriend a pair of jean shorts to thank him for his service. I still get choked up when I think of the beautiful display of patriotism. Jorts are justice and they are American.

I’m giving all guys the green flag, but with the caveat that most online polls give women. In a very serious survey of 17 responses from SportsInferno.com, 10 out of 17 men say a woman in jorts is acceptable but it depends on if the woman looks hot or not. 1 wanted pics, and 2 deemed it tacky. The remaining 4 had no complaint. So, if you look like Ryan Gosling, yes, please wear jorts in front of us. But, as long as ugly women wear jorts (not daisy dukes, sorry Emily), I guess I see no problem with average men bringing them back.

Let’s take it a step further. Save the planet and turn your old jeans into shorts. After all, they’re not dorts (denim shorts), but jorts (jean shorts). As Dennis Reynolds says, “Well! Ha-ha! That, sir, is because you purchased blue jean shorts whereas I purchased blue jeans and cut ‘em. Thus, the fray. It’s a more authentic look. I think that’s what you’re feeling”.

I’m getting a high ride! But, the shorts aren’t preventing me from doing what I need to do!

Cut-offs, liberty, and justice for all! Happy summer!