Ten chicks I'd hook up with from young adult books that have been turned into movies

In my last post, I promised to have a discussion regarding the hotness of Kristen Stewart. I never want to disappoint my fans, but I also realized that I could expand on this topic much further. So, ladies and gentleman, I present to you (after much deliberation):

The Current List of Ten Chicks (in no particular order) I'd Hook Up With From My Favorite Young Adult Books That Have Been Turned Into Movies


1. Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan in the Twilight series

Okay, I actually hated the Twilight books and the movies. I am wary about listing them in this category but Kristen Stewart is just so.damn.hot. Seriously. I don't give a shit about Bella and her angst with those cold, creepy vampires. The books are so poorly written that I wanted to red pen the entire novel or burn them. But, since I read them, and saw the first movie, I feel obligated to put Kristen Stewart on here. Kristen, not Bella, looks good in eyeliner, which, as someone who cannot put eyeliner on without causing a stye, is very hot. Kristen gives me that whole 'I don't give a fuck' look and I know she'd be a pain in the ass with her smirking, but I can't stop looking at her and wanting to try to talk to her. I'm really excited to see her in Snow White because she might be the most bangable of them all.

2. Emma Watson as Hermione Granger in the (later) Harry Potter series.

I really admire Hermione and wish that I was half the woman she was. Not only is she super intelligent, but she's a great friend, brave, and hooked up with a hot Quidditch star. She might be a bit of an insufferable know-it-all, but with the goods that she has, I think we can let that slide. Emma Watson has a new short haircut that I find very cute. She's smart and confident, and she's never the topic of horrible Hollywood gossip. Like her Hermione counterpart, she knows how to break the rules without really getting into trouble. It sucks that she gets with pathetic Ron at the end, but whatever. That's why I can create my own fanfic with an HG/SR pairing.

3. Emma Watson as Sam in "The Perks of Being a Wallflower"

Okay, I know it's totally cheating to have Emma Watson twice, but the truth is, I've wanted to hook up with her character in The Perks of Being a Wallflower long before they even cast her in the role. Actually, the movie isn't out yet, but I'm so excited that one of my favorite angsty YA novels is being turned into a movie that I had to include it. Emma plays Sam, a high school senior with a gay step-brother. The narrator, Charlie, instantly falls in love with Sam's brashness and honesty. She's sexually confident but also vulnerable. Stephen Chbosky created a beautiful character that I relate to because we are both secretly screwed up. I wouldn't just wham bam thank you ma'am Sam, but I'd really want to know her and create a lasting connection. Or at least make out while writing "I love you" on an typewriter. Sorry to get sappy.

4. Liv Tyler as Arwen Evenstar in The Lord of the Rings series

So I have to admit that I only read the Fellowship of the Ring, but I did see all of the movies. I was a fan of the book but even more of a fan of the excellent casting for the movie. Arwen has that amazing mythical innocence that only a Tolkien movie can capture. She may be half-elven but she's a full bodied hottie. I was immediately intrigued by her complicated love story with Aragorn, and even though she was a minor character, her presence lit up the screen. I mean, sure Peter Jackson probably invented a couple of scenes for her, but who's complaining? Never has a chick wearing this many clothes in Middle Earth been so hot. One does not simply look this good when being surrounded by hobbits. 

5. Anna Popplewell as Susan Pevensie in The Chronicles of Narnia series

I'm very aware that the characters in all of The Chronicles of Narnia series were probably around 14-16, but Anna is definitely over 18, and therefore I don't feel like such a creeper. Anyways, Susan is a lot like Hermione--smart, level-headed, and confident. She's a great older sister and hunter. On top of keeping Narnia safe from evil queens and being heartbroken over Prince Caspian, she just looks so good. I think the name  Queen Susan the Gentle doesn't capture her fierce personality. Dawn Treader? I hardly know her!

6. Angelina Jolie as Lisa Rowe in "Girl, Interrupted"

Angelina Jolie is like George Clooney--just timeless beauty. She only gets better with age. I cannot think of one bad role Angelina has been in, but I had to pick this movie from one of my favorite young adult books--Girl, Interrupted. Angelina plays Lisa, a sociopath in a mental institution with main character Susanna Kaysen, played by Winona Ryder (not bad looking either). Lisa constantly escapes the hospital, ignores Whoopi Goldberg's tough love, and is generally a demented pain in the ass. She's pretty evil, but she also has this intrinsic quality that I can't get enough of. She's sexy and she knows it, even before LMFAO sang about it. You really hate her in the movie because she's trouble but you're so captivated by her deranged brain that you can't help but want to make out with her, and smoke pot with her druggie friends.

7. Blake Lively as Bridget Vreeland in The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series

I absolutely cannot get enough of Blake Lively. I loved her in The Town, I currently love her in Gossip Girl (another fine series of YA novels), but I first experienced her hotness in the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Blake plays Bridget, a tall athletic girl from Bethesda, whose mother committed suicide, and has a pretty fucked up family life as a result. Bridget loses her virginity super early and generally is an impulsive train wreck, but she's got this amazing sensitive side that is hard to ignore. Plus, she has killer legs. Bridget Vreeland is that friend you have that you're jealous of but also feel bad for because of all the shit they've had to deal with. Blake plays Bridget just as I imagined her in the series, and even thought we'd be height-mismatched, I'm willing to risk it if she is.

8. Alexis Bledel as Lena Kaligaris in The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series

Alternatively, from the same series, you have the brunette goddess Alexis Bledel playing Lena Kaligaris. Now, I never really watched Gilmore Girls, but I've always found Alexis to be a tremendous actress with stunning eyes. Lena is almost the opposite of the above Bridget: quiet, artistic, calm, and rational. She believes in true love and has a good set of Greek values. She meets a pretty hot guy named Kostos in the first book and their love saga follows all the way into the final fourth book. I like Lena because she's emotionally strong, even if you just want to shake her and yell "Just fuck him, already!"Alexis Bledel has the otherworldly appearance like Arwen, and thus, my attraction increases. Or, I might be hypnotized by her blue eyes. Can't.Stop.Staring.

9. Keira Knightley as Elizabeth Bennet in "Pride and Prejudice"

Nothing like a Jane Austen book to get women feeling lusty. The truth is, like Angelina Jolie, Keira Knightley is just amazing in everything. While I was a huge fan of the BBC miniseries of Pride and Prejudice, I really enjoyed the American version as well. As Elizabeth Bennet, Keira has to play a headstrong girl in a family of five other women with a crazy mother who just needs to marry them off or deal with poverty. She meets Mr. Darcy, played by  Matthew Macfadyen, and thinks he's a snob. Well, they both learn a lot about each other during a series of chance encounters at dances, churches, manors and pubs, and discover that the other isn't what they originally thought they were like. I've always wanted to be like Elizabeth because she doesn't take shit from anyone and is fiercely loyal to her family. These are traits I try to emulate, but I look nowhere near as hot as Keira. Therefore, when my favorite character is played by my favorite actress, it's hard not to want to be with her. Plus, she'll talk dirty to me in a British accent.

10. Anne Hathaway as Mia Thermopolis in "The Princess Diaries"

The Princess Diaries was the first time I ever saw Anne Hathaway in a movie, and I've truly enjoyed her in every movie I've seen since, including Brokeback Mountain, Love and Other Drugs, and Catwoman. In the Princess Diaries, high school girl Mia Thermopolis finds out she's heir to the throne in some weird country in Europe called Genovia. She's pretty klutzy and obnoxious, but as fates will have it, she has to take princess lessons from her grandmother, who is absolutely terrifying in the books, but lovable as Julie Andrews in the movies. Mia undergoes a transformation from gawky teenager to a pretty sleek looking princess. It's a wonder what the flat iron and some mascara will do. Anyways, she has to deal with her desire to become popular and date the hot senior, Josh Richter, while also battling her affections with dorky but sort of hot Michael Moscovitz, her best friend Lily's brother. Oh high school. Anyways, Mia learns all about friendship and family, blah blah, but she's pretty smoking as a verbally incontinent ditz. I'd like to be part of her royal court. 

Honorable Mentions: 

Emma Stone as Olive in "Easy A"

Okay, this is kind of cheating since "Easy A" is only based off of Nathaniel Hawthorne's "The Scarlet Letter" and there already was a movie. But, I didn't find Demi Moore that great in it, and plus, c'mon, how can you deny Emma Stone? She plays Olive, an innocuous high schooler that gains the untrue reputation of losing her virginity. The right wing crazies, led by Amanda Bynes, chastise her, while pretty much all of the guys pay her in gift certificates to Home Depot to say that she took their virginity. Olive holds onto her V-card throughout the whole movie, which is pretty admirable. She eventually gets together with her best friend, played by the same guy who plays Dan Humphrey in Gossip Girl. Anyways, it's definitely a stretch from "The Scarlet Letter", but Emma Stone is super hot. She's got the eyeliner thing going, and is a way less insane redhead than Lindsey Lohan. I like Emma because she'd make me laugh, which is the hottest thing a girl can do. 

Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss Everdeen in "The Hunger Games"

I can't officially add Jennifer on my list because I haven't finished reading "The Hunger Games". I cheated and just saw the movie. So Jennifer, you're an honorable mention until I finally finish the remaining chapters of the book on my bed. But I had to put you on my list, I mean, come on, the girl is on on fire!

And there's my ten-ish. Did I miss anyone you think should be on this list? Let me know! And as always, the book is always better than the movie, until you see how hot the chicks are in real life. 

You’re less likely to get struck by lightning, and other benefits of being short

I have to apologize for taking an extended leave of absence from this blog. In between moving, entertaining many visitors, road races, and walking in on people having sex in the bathroom at Waffle House, I’ve had a super busy past couple of weeks. Also, instead of balancing the two, I’ve been writing more in the infamous ‘beer book’, so much to the point that I’m beginning to hear it narrated by Bob Saget in my head. Oh, that’s right, I’ve also watched 3 seasons of How I Met Your Mother. Dammit Ted.  I anxiously await the day my writing will break free from his pretentious narrations and I can start a sentence without the introduction, “Kids, let me tell you about the time I tried a new beer, drank vodka shots, sang with a band, drank Corona and more vodka shots, and vomited on the hood of my car, on my way to a different bar to try another new beer”.

In fact, I want to take a page out of Barney’s book. That’s right, for the next couple of paragraphs, I am going to write about how awesome I am. Okay, specifically, how awesome short chicks are.

I went out to the movies earlier this week with my roommate Dani and my sister Karen. We encountered a preview for the upcoming “Show White and the Huntsman”. The hotness of Kristen Stewart a discussion for another post, I wanted to know what happened to the dwarves. Maybe I’m spoiled on Disney or poorly misinformed on the real fairy tale, but those dwarves were instrumental to Snow White’s survival in the woods. Plus, she taught Grumpy how to feel again. If that’s not a heartwarming tale of love across overworked dwarves with developing emphysema, I don’t know what is. 


Anyways, it got me to thinking about why short people get the ‘short’ end of the stick, and if they are somehow less of a person. Most of the abuse I've personally encountered or seen to others can be seen in this video here. It’s another one of those “Shit People Say to Short Girls” but I have had over half of these said to me. Including the shit about booster seats, baby hands, being first to drown in a flood, and ordering off kid’s menus.

At a commanding 5 feet (er, 4 feet, 11 and ¾ inches), I’ve also had people tell me I have the personality of someone at least 5’4. I don’t know if this is a compliment or not. Does it mean I literally must be ‘this’ tall to have the personality attributes of an adult, despite what my license proclaims my age is? (Yes Quarry House, I’m STILL over 21, no matter how many times April checks my ID). Does that mean taller people have more personality—that there is an exponential growth the more inches you accrue? If that’s so, I want you to explain Andre the Giant’s limited range of emotions. If I had three selfish wishes that I couldn’t spend on world peace or saving baby seals, my set would not include one to grow taller. And here’s why.

First off, and most obvious, being short is absolutely adorable. People treat you like an orphaned animal and scoop you up to carry you. Seriously, all the time. It doesn’t matter where you’re going--you will spontaneously get scooped and placed in a new walking direction. Think about how many times you wish someone would carry you and now promptly get jealous at how many times I’ve been privy to countless piggyback rides. People bench press me. I always get to stand in the front row of group pictures.  Awesome.

Pity points aside, being short is incredibly practical and actually beneficial to others around me. I’ve had my good friend Aaron sing the stupid song, “Short People Have No Reason to Live”, but who else can crawl under beds and retrieve loose beer bottles? Surely not tall people! Yet, a tiny chick can reach such forbidden depths. I’m an instant armrest for all. On airplanes and buses, coach seats feel like first class for me. The seat behind the driver seat in my car has more legroom than a real first class seat.  I can pack more clothes in suitcases because I have 5 inches less of denim in my jeans. I can buy my clothes in the girls’ section at Kohl’s and save $10 average on said tiny jeans.

I do have to admit the one of my biggest fears some time ago was that any guy interested in me must be a pedophile, since I look like I’m 12. Or, that whenever I’m on a date, people will think it is “take your daughter to work day”.  Apparently, I can put these anxieties to rest because most guys find short chicks attractive. Let’s face it: I’m incredibly bitchy and neurotic. However, these traits are somehow more endearing when they come a hobbit.

To prove this, I found an article from 2002 stating that short women were more likely to be in long-term relationships and have kids than taller women:

“Shorter women are more likely to have long-term relationships with men, and more likely to have children, according to a study of 10,000 people born in the UK in 1958…The average height for a British woman is 1.62 metres (5 feet, 4 inches). But those who were between 1.51 and 1.58 metres were most likely to be married and to have children by the age of 42. This relationship held true even after accounting for social class” (You can read the rest of the article. ).

Then again, this survey is ten years old and written by a group of people who use the stupid metric system. I have no idea how many metERs I am tall, so I want to find some more believable facts.

I was intrigued to find that tall women are actually more scared of short women than the reverse. One blog suggested that short women be fined for dating tall people. It was implied that maybe we [short women] should pick up someone our own size. Written in Amazona, (Link to the blog) the author believes that guys only date short women because men are insecure and feel emasculated by tall chicks. If that’s the case, well high five bro. As a petite Barney Stinson, obviously it’s my goal to bang as many insecure guys with low self esteem as possible.

I’m kidding. This article made me feel mildly guilty, and then promptly more awesome, for being such a five-foot threat. Apparently, this author believes the shorter you are, the more you take advantage of everyone. While I can’t speak for the other short whores out there, I certainly don’t date just to ‘stick it to’ tall women and help guys out with their Mommy issues. That being said, I know plenty of >5’5” sluts. I have yet to find a convincing reason that scientifically states why short chicks are seemingly more successful, outside of some vague associations with evolution.

So, I encountered another British article on a phenomenon called the Tinker Bell Syndrome. It asked, can being small in stature drive ambition? I don’t know if I’m more or less ambitious than the average person, but the logic of the article made sense. Psychologist David Lewis, from MindLab international, stated, (and I’m keeping the stupid British spellings intact):

“In evolutionary terms, small women are as favoured as tall men: females between 4ft 9in and 5ft 1in and men who are 6ft 1in or more are the most likely to marry and have children. But the downside of this is that men – and society in general – will often infantilise petite women, underestimating their intelligence, their strength and their ability to perform even the simplest task. Men, it has to be said, do like to be looked up to by their women.” Ahh…the insecurities of men again!

Lewis believes that this ‘infantilising’ of small women can breed a sense of resentment and rebellion that makes them more ambitious and more flamboyant than average-sized females. He continues, 


“It’s likely that being small could result in a woman developing a Tinker Bell complex. Certainly it explains why we have so many famous examples of tiny women who are larger than life”. The article points to powerful women like Lady GaGa, Kylie Minogue, Dolly Parton, and Jada Pinkett Smith, who have done so much with so little height.

“Funny, fearless and fun-loving, the typical Tinker Bell can sometimes be a little manipulative and self-pitying when, in fact, the last thing they need is pity. However much they might protest, and however high the heels they don, Tinker Bells know they have an advantage in life. Even in bare feet, they are capable of achieving heights beyond the reach of many women who physically dwarf them.

You can read the rest of the article here.

And that’s my case. If you aren’t convinced that short chicks are awesome (if not psychologically unstable from their mental and physical high heels), then keep putting them down. You’ll realize that we won’t shrink, but one day, we’ll actually overpower you. I many not be able to reach the top shelves in my pantry, but I sure as hell won’t stop scrambling on top of my counter to lean on my microwave until I get a can of baby corn--which is way better than full grown corn. 

It's Guy Love!!!

Nobody knows more about knowing less about Thomas Jefferson than my roommate Alex. When we went to Harpers Ferry last year for a day of ‘sampling’ local ales, touring, and hiking, I was privileged to hear some nuggets of wisdom about Thomas Jefferson. For instance, Thomas Jefferson invented ice. Thomas Jefferson used to use his old bed for a kayak down the Potomac and beat Native Americans in boat races. Thomas Jefferson invented hot sauce, but only after his red hair and George Washington inspired him. Every now and then, one would be outlandish enough to believe. Therefore, I could find no better person to quote now than TJ as I struggle to write this update.

“The happiness of the domestic fireside is the first boon of Heaven; and it is well it is so, since it is that which is the lot of the mass of mankind”.

As many of you know, I’m moving out of my house today. I moved in just over a year and a half ago. I had just graduated college and I needed a temporary place to live while I figured out that whole ‘job’ and ‘life’ thing. A Craigslist ad from a guy named Paul saved the day—I found a 3 month sublet. When I carried my three dozen pairs of shoes into this group house with my fake nails (God, what was I thinking?!?), I was relieved. I knew I found a place that I’d be able to just have time to sort things out. I didn’t know I’d find a family.

I say this as Alex is beating by over 100 points on Words with Friends, and I hate him. In fact, you don’t always love your family. I’m sure my roommates never loved that time I drink so much at a band show I made them come to that I vomited on the hood of my car. Thanks for holding my hair back Clyde and getting me a McMuffin the next day. Which I also threw up. I’m sure Brock doesn’t love my 30 minute showers, complete with singing, curly hair shedding, subsequent drain cloggage, and flooded floors in the morning. I routinely verbally abuse Alex and ruin his favorite NPR radio shows. Maybe this isn’t what a family does, because it sure doesn’t sound like my biological one in Connecticut.

I look at that Thomas Jefferson quote, and realize just how apt it is to describe my three guys. Brock is a fireman. I’ve asked him countless times how hot it needs to be in a fire to burn teeth, or how you can get away with arson. Brock’s told me just how many trucks and ladders (I hope those are the right words) for a five alarm fire. I’ve learned life advice too, from my fireman roommate. He’s taught me about thread count, how many ‘points’ are in a beer, how to get a good Pinot Noir, where to listen to Barenaked Ladies acoustic, and my favorite, how to eventually be a good parent.

Speaking of fire, I also remember the carbon monoxide incident in the house. Clyde and I started a fire in the fireplace. We took pictures of Penny with the fire and it looked like a Christmas card. Clyde specifically told me to shut the flue before I went to bed, so I did. The fire wasn’t fully out. I woke up to Alex pounding on my door, and saying the carbon monoxide detector was going off wayyy more than usual. That’s right, we used to have a detector that beeped once every five minutes. We couldn’t figure out how to tell it to stop. So we got used to it. Which was why I slept through it when it was really going off. Or I was being poisoned by the gas. Anyways, I got to call the fire department and have a huge fire truck with five firemen come into our house with Ghostbusters technology. We had to wake up Clyde and Penny, because, as it turns out, they had toxic levels building up in the room. How’s that for a friendship fire?

I could sit and write all of my favorite memories from my roommates. Well, I am. They’ll be in the beer book. The point I’m trying to make is that my domestic fireside is something I will be eternally grateful for. People make plans, and God laughs. If you had told me ten years ago I’d be living in a house with guys older than me, I’d call shenanigans. Actually, that’s one of my favorite games to play with my roommates: What was I doing in fifth grade when they were doing ____ out of college? Besides not knowing archaic cartoon shows, it wasn’t a big deal. When you find the people who make you feel the happiest, paltry things like age aren’t an issue. Or when everyone’s heard the other have sex in the house. Yeah, it’s happened.

So, as I’m tempted to quote Semisonic’s song, “Closing Time”, I still feel sad. That’s not to say I’m not ecstatic about moving in with my best friend (and spouse, according to Rite Aid) Dani. I’m eager to begin my Dani stories. I’m a sucker for a good comparison (metaphors be with you!), and I do see my life as an unfolding book. Perhaps it’s my desperate desire to be a writer, but it is always hard to see a chapter you love finish. You might anticipate the next one, but you’ll always anxiously reread the previous. Luckily, Facebook seems to be keeping a good record of everything. And I never forget anything, ever.

Alex and I are bickering about Lionel Ritchie, and I think it’s good to end here. The Show is heading for a finale. I’ll live for reruns but for now, I’m getting ready to star in a new sitcom of Two Broke Girls.

Valentine's Day the "Right" Way!

(This post contains some sensitive material. I don’t want my words to upset anyone or trigger anything, but I am discussing birth control and sexual assault. Please be aware, and make the right choice on whether to continue reading.)

Just to startle myself back to the days when I didn’t use spell check on my blog, I reread last year’s post on Valentine’s Day. It’s not really worth going back to, unless you want to read my depressing rant on how every day sucks equally to Valentine’s Day when you’re single. Oh, and then I came out in the next post about my love for Penny, the puppy I used to live with. I can’t decide what’s worse: a borderline manic-depressive outlook on life in the month of February, or carefully veiled bestiality. Either way, before a suicide hotline calls me or I get arrested by the Humane Society, I want to take a different tone for 2/4/2012.

Congratulations everyone, we’ve made it this far in the year 2012. We’re not dead yet, and we have to get through get another V-Day. Ignoring the irony that this holiday can be abbreviated VD, I have mixed messages about this day. On one hand, I love the flowers my Dad sent my Mom on Saturday with the message “Why wait for Valentine’s Day?” Nausea aside for my parents being ‘that couple’, I see the other side of the spectrum. I won’t disclose names, but I know people who are planning to spend the day/night drunk with the hopes of picking up a random at their local bar. Or, you could just take the middle road—it’s just a normal day with an excess of pink and red hearts.

I never got the point of Valentine’s Day. It’s this one stupid day where everyone is supposed to be on better behavior in his or her relationship. Then again, I’ve always said this, but this is the first year I’m having a ‘real’ Valentine’s Day. Even though I make idiotic puns with his name (I call him ‘bath mat’ when he’s in the shower), Matt and I are determined to have a romantic Valentine’s Day. This entails heading out for a delicious meal of duck tonight and going on a ski trip this weekend. It combines all of my favorite things: game meat, rich white people sports, and, of course, Matt.

The thing is, even with all of these fun, albeit sappy, events, I can’t help but breakdown this holiday and turn it into something bigger than it is. What do people do on Valentine’s Day? Chances are, they’re having sex with someone that matters to them. It should be wonderful, worry-free, sex. Yet, if Conservatives have their way, Valentine’s Day sex might be ruined. That’s right, we live in a country where babies would be conceived on February 14^th, instead of food baby conception from too much chocolate truffle consumption.

I am ticked off about the birth control debate in this country. It shouldn’t have to be an issue.  At this moment, most of us, should we desire it, have access to a myriad of methods of contraception. This right is in danger. While I don’t believe that religious organizations should be forced to provide birth control if it goes against their doctrines, I also believe that this should be an accessible service that is provided to women by neutral health providers and ::gasp:: the government. The thing that most Conservatives don’t realize is that the small amount of money it takes to provide birth control is nothing in comparison to the cost it would take in welfare programs to help new mothers raise children they are not ready to have. Except for the fact they’re cutting these welfare programs too, basically telling women they have no support at all. All this from “pro-lifers”.

I know birth control is controversial. Ironically, I used to be very pro-life until I took my head out of my ass and realized that it doesn’t matter what I think. I don’t rejoice in abortions, but my opinions should in no way impact someone else’s choice. And I expect the same courtesy. Don’t tell anyone this secret but you can be pro-choice and never get an abortion. It’s extremely rare, but it is true—most pro-choice people are just fighting for abortion rights, not lining up to get one themselves.

When I hear morons like Rick Santorum say, “Many of the Christian faith have said, well, that’s okay, contraception is okay. It’s not okay. It’s a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be”, I wonder what he thinks sex is supposed to be? Strictly for baby making? Once on the weekdays and twice on Sundays? Why does our country need people like Rick Santorum  ruining sex? Oh right, because when you do get pregnant, it’s all a part of the Almighty’s plan.

When asked by CNN's Piers Morgan what he would do if his own daughter approached him, begging for an abortion after having been raped, Santorum explained that he would counsel her to "accept this horribly created" baby, because it was still a gift from God, even if given in a "broken" way. Good ol’ Tricky Ricky said:

"Well, you can make the argument that if she doesn't have this baby, if she kills her child, that that, too, could ruin her life. And this is not an easy choice, I understand that. As horrible as the way that that son or daughter and son was created, it still is her child. And whether she has that child or she doesn't, it will always be her child, and she will always know that.”

Santorum’s strategy is fighting trauma, with trauma. While I wish I could combat horrible crimes like rape with the quaint ‘when life gives you lemons, make lemonade’ approach, I can’t. Try as hard as I can this Valentine’s Day, Santorum’s words keep running through my head. Rick Santorum can never get pregnant against his will. Rick Santorum is not a woman. Yet, he feels he is somehow the chosen voice to speak on the issue of women’s health, or lack thereof. This man is running for President, and thousands of people are voting for him. Does anyone else see the horrible reality in this?

Therefore, as much as it is supposed to be a romantic day, I am turning February 14^th into a day of activism and education for all of my friends and family on birth control and rape. These topics are poorly understood but widely discussed. Make the conscious effort to be informed about birth control. It may not be the right choice for you right now, but for others, it’s a lifesaver. Please, be aware that no matter what, it is a woman’s body. She has the right to have as much or as little sex as she wants, regardless of what Rick Santorum and others say.

I implore everyone to enjoy his or her sexuality in a safe and gratifying way this Valentine’s Day. I love you.

When waiting for it to get better isn’t good enough

With a definitive ruling yesterday, California repealed Proposition 8, effectively making a ban on same-sex marriage unconstitutional. Washington is even closer to having same-sex marriage in the state, based on legislation passed by the State Senate this past week. I’m in a difficult place. While I post these snapshots of equality on my Facebook timeline as they happen, I still see just how much more has to happen. With every headline of a momentary, isolated, victory for LGBT individuals, I’m wondering when the war will be over.

I know I should be happy that same-sex marriage has now been restored to California. I know I should be celebrating that for the first time in state history, more Marylanders support same-sex marriage. I’m not a patient person. I know I sound petulant. I know change takes time, yet I’m extremely despondent that something as basic as the right of happiness is still denied to so many Americans. Artie from Glee said it best in last week’s episode, “And don't say ‘it gets better’, because I want it to be better now”.

We live in a world primarily governed by fear and prejudice based on that fear. Remember Japanese interment camps? It wasn’t so long ago, and those started out of fear.  There are laws in this country that prohibit loving gay and lesbian couples from getting married simply because people are scared of what might happen if they do. Ask any person who is against gay marriage why they are, and if they can give you an answer, it’s usually that they feel it could tarnish the integrity of traditional marriage. With all due respect to one of my favorite musicals, Fiddler on the Roof, tradition can fuck off. Newt Gingrich is considered traditional, and his marriage track record is despicable.

Just because it’s ‘how it used to be done’, it doesn’t mean it is right for now. The Old Testament prohibits homosexuality (sort of), but as my shrewd mother points out, it also permits owning slaves (and sleeping with them) and polygamy. If this doesn’t ruin monogamous marriage, I don’t know what does. Fear drives people to do irrational things. It is one thing when your personal fear affects your own life. It is another when your personal fear intrudes upon the lives of someone else.  For instance, I’m terrified of snakes but I’m not going to outlaw terrariums. I’m scared of obesity but I’m not going to demand the closure of all McDonalds. Sounds ridiculous, right? People who protest gay marriage follow the exact same twisted logic. Except that gay people aren't venomous or cause high blood pressure. Contrary to popular religious and political belief, gay people have yet to be proven harmful to your health and society. 

Related to this news, there has been a stirring in the religious Jewish world about gay Orthodox men. I immediately want to say this mention is not meant to attack Orthodox Judaism. While I have my own issues regarding Judaism’s response to homosexuality, which I won’t share here (although you can probably assume what they are), I love and respect my Jewish friends and family in the utmost way. Because this isn't you. You are reflective of what good Jewish people are and how welcoming the religion is supposed to be.

In the past two weeks, The Jewish Press ran an article from a remarkable man named Chaim Levin on growing up in a religion that is not too accepting (to put it lightly) towards gays and lesbians. By not to accepting, I mean being ostracized, forced into terrifying and harmful reparative therapies, bullied, teased, tormented, unloved, and almost driven to suicide. All for being gay.

(http://www.jewishpress.com/indepth/opinions/surviving-bullying-silencing-and-torment-for-being-gay-in-the-frum-community/2012/01/25/).

I am appalled that there are a select few who would prefer an individual live in the closet than be honest with themselves. Living in the closet is terrible. Imagine denying yourself an integral part of your identity, such as your favorite type of music or your favorite food. Because of another's fear. Now, imagine that ache to express yourself multiplied by one million. Imagine not being able to be with whom you want to be with because of unapologetic ignorance. Imagine thinking this is your fault. Imagine your schoolmates bullying you everyday.  Imagine it getting so bad that you commit suicide because it’s better than living a lie. Except you don’t have to imagine this awful scenario. It’s a reality.

It’s happening in our world today. Not just in Judaism, not just in Christianity, but everywhere. In high schools and colleges. By people who are so terrified of responses by friends, family, and society that death is the only person who will embrace them. It’s drastic but it is a reality that needs to be addressed. I don't want to be graphic or overly negative, but I don't want to be naive either.  And neither should you.

It has gotten to a point when I’ve been presumed a lesbian by a couple of people. After all, if I’m such a staunch advocate, surely I must have a vested interest. I am just vying after my own agenda, aren’t I? I don’t know what my sexuality has to do with this. I’m not African American, but I support civil rights. I’m not a seal, but I support bans on baby seal clubbing. I’m on the human team. I’m sure many of you remember this quote by Martin Niemoller:

First they came for the communists,

and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a communist.

Then they came for the trade unionists,

and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Jews,

and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a Jew.

Then they came for the Catholics

and I didn't speak out because I was Protestant.

Then they came for me
, and there was no one left to speak out for me.

If I don’t speak out for equal rights for the LGBT community, then what good am I? I’m fighting for the rights of people who, by some destiny, don’t have the same rights as me. I do this just as others have done for me. Because of many male crusaders, women must have the same wages as men.  Women can vote. Women can join the military. If I wanted to marry a woman, I would not be able to do that where I live now. And that’s just wrong. I propose that if this country doesn’t support same-sex marriage, those couples shouldn’t have to pay taxes. Why reward a country that denies basic liberties to its citizens?

I know I need to wait. I am cautiously optimistic that if/when California’s legislation goes to the Supreme Court, banning same-sex marriage would be ruled unconstitutional for the entire country. As my friend Ellen said on Facebook yesterday regarding the repeal of Proposition 8, “In other news, the sky is blue, water is wet, and equality still has a long way to go”. I could not agree with her more.

Support for 'The Douchebag'

sup, bra?

I’m sure you guys have seen those stupid commercials for the 4G phones on AT&T Wireless. The one where one unfortunate guy says, “Hey, did you hear it’s raining?” and some smug assholes with smartphones respond, “That’s so 4 seconds ago” as they whip out their hipster umbrellas for the impending rain. While I could have rant about my first world problem for only having a 3G phone, I was instead more angered about this degree of douchebaggery.

I’m no expert on the subject or its history, but I want to make the assumption that this current generation is probably the most douche-y of all of them. When I pondered about it, I thought we were perhaps tied with the Enlightenment. Yet, one glance at Wikipedia on the subject made me decide otherwise. The 21^st century is not the Age of Reason.  Suck it, John Locke and Voltaire…we want more than life, liberty, and property. I may not agree with what you say, but I don’t defend your the right to say it.  I will mock it. On my Blogger.

Despite my ardent desire to hold onto a life of simplicity by shopping at thrift stores and talking to strangers in supermarkets, I find myself strangely drawn to becoming a douchebag. Sure, I only own Apple products and I gel my hair, but I never had the overall mindset. I had stayed away from that attitude as long as possible until now.

What changed? Last night, I went out for beers and burgers at the Quarry House and one of my friends stated, “Just wait until I get more money, then I can be an even bigger douchebag”. Let’s dissect this for a second. One, he’s implying that he is already a douchebag. Does this mean it is an inherent personality trait? Two, does more money equal more douchebaggery? I started to wonder why this was something to aspire to until I realized the secret: douchebags are the happiest people on Earth.

Winston: Oh, you mean Schmidt? He was just dressing up like Santa.
Alvin: Then why isn't he wearing a shirt?
Winston: You know, we ask ourselves that question every single day.
Alvin: Is it because he's a d-bag? Mommy says he's a d-bag.

Think about it. Douchebags have the best stuff, wear the nicest clothes, and nail the hottest chicks. Douchebags are the immoral capitalists of the interpersonal relationship dynamic because they are constantly striving to make a profit at the expense of others. Fuck the proletariat class…it’s the bourgeois or bust. Douchebags don’t care who they hurt with their snide comments about why their computer/moisturizer/phone/restaurant/sweater is way better than yours. You’re a moron for even thinking that cable knit was a viable option. Don’t you feel happier for not picking your Target sweater now?

Here’s my new question—can girls be douchebags? I am reminded of the age-old contradiction when guys say they want to date a girl who is independent, but then they criticize a girl for being selfish when she makes more money than them. I can see how a ‘girl douchebag’ can also be described selfish or even worse, a bitch, because the gender paradigm in this country blows. Yet, if I want to be a douchebag, I will anticipate that people will think the worst of me. I will be trouncing on the downtrodden woman to inflate myself when we should all be a sisterhood. Is it worth spending more on a purse because that extra compliment will keep me warm at night? That’s when I discovered—being a girl douchebag means you can be just as terrible to men as you are to women. Problem solved! I can’t wait until I buy a better gun than my male friends.

My biggest self-complaint is that I never allow myself to stay content. I’ve quoted it once, but my favorite line of poetry “To stay is to be nowhere”. Douchebags are the most transient people and always strive for bigger and better things. Is that really such a bad thing? Sure, they might be dicks, but what’s the point in being complacent? Not only is the grass greener on the other side, it’s got a fucking slip and slide in the backyard. Oh, and the beer isn’t domestic swill. It’s import. Welcome to the best block party of your life (members only).

I don’t want to be excessively nasty and cruel, but from this point on, I might take on some of the Way of the Douchebag. I will not permit people to treat me like shit with their second-hand crap of problems. My newest mantra is “Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be” (Elizabeth Gilbert). I may not possess the most cutting edge items on the market, but that doesn’t mean I won’t say the stuff I own isn’t the absolute best for me. And I matter. I’m worth it, and most importantly, so are you. It’s time to stop wishing and start doing. Now.

Put some pride back in being a douchebag. Get off your fucking dirty couch, stop watching your reruns, and go out for a spray tan. Or buy an expensive watch. Get that French manicure. Down a bottle of Dom.  Enjoy for that lap dance. Do something that makes you happy for you, and for once in a while, feel secretly better than everyone else. In the words of the great Tom Haverford and Donna from Parks and Recreation, ‘Treat yo’self’.

And for the love of God, don't lose your driving moccasins!

The “upsell” and the downfall of women

I know we’ve been bitching about it for centuries, but it’s really shitty being a woman. That childbirth thing notwithstanding, the most annoying part about being a chick is the challenge to constantly look good. I’m trying to be realistic here, because what I define as looking ‘good’ for me is really just basic hygiene for everyone else.

I don’t want to sell myself too short (although I am too short), but I’m a pretty filthy person. I remember to shower, but I am constantly spilling food and gasoline on myself. Bathing myself is really an exercise in futility. Again, I’m the reason why we can’t have nice things.

I know it’s not just me who is downright dirty and unkempt. There’s a very good reason why the Brawny man is sexy as hell--women use him to sop up the guacamole they dropped on their pants while watching Jeopardy (this doesn’t describe my Monday night one bit…). Brawny tells women that it’s okay to be a slob because let’s face it, some ruggedly handsome man in plaid with still love us. Sadly, he’s the one of only a few cleaners that love women back.

I feel the absolute worst about myself when I’m at a nail salon. Nail salons and beauty spas in general have the sole purpose of making women prettier, but when you’re there, you just feel awful. I don’t know any men who have been to, or would admit to going to a nail place, which is why I’m going to illuminate the experience to you. Besides the carcinogenic stench of acetone, nail salons also degrade your self esteem.

Last week, I was there for a manicure. I’m trying to stop biting my nails as one of my resolutions, so I figured I’d be less inclined to chew on formaldehyde I spent $15 to put on my fingers. I was treated to a small lecture about how disgusting my cuticle beds looked and how ragged my nails were. That’s just what I heard in English. I have no idea what else my manicurist said about me to her colleagues.

Nowhere else does a woman get such loathsome treatment. Think about it guys, what if you were told that your feet were ugly when you tried on shoes? Or, that your wrists were fat when you tried on watches? Wouldn’t you be less inclined to buy that watch? And yet, women are supposed to keep getting manicures?

Let’s talk about another grievance. I routinely get my eyebrows waxed because I’m too much of a pussy to pluck on my own. There is nothing more daunting than a total stranger peering inches from your face with a popsicle stick full of hot wax and a piece of fabric to rip it off just seconds. Just when it can’t get any worse, you hear the dreaded words “Upper lip wax?”

I hate this. All of my female friends have said that this has happened to them one time or the other. Half the time, it's not even a question. Just a stated fact. You’re at your most vulnerable, and then you are made aware that on top of a grotesque unibrow, you’re also told you are growing a mustache.

I was talking about this with my boss yesterday, and I compared it to the upsell that you see in other places. For instance, my friend John said that when he worked at a movie theatre, they would routinely try to sell you that large popcorn for just a quarter more. That’s an upsell. Like when you can Supersize at McDonalds or add a dollar to some charity at CVS. However, upsells for beauty shouldn’t also be the norm. If anything, I should be less inclined to buy something that makes me feel worse about myself when I have to buy it. At least with McDonalds, I feel worse after I buy it.

On the other (hairy) hand, maybe I’m supposed to be guilted into another purchase. After all, if I’m told I have mustache, wouldn’t I want to do anything in my power to get rid of it? Shouldn’t I be grateful for my cosmetic savior for pointing out that yes, my upper lip is darker than the rest of my face? Am I that dangerously close to looking like Ron Swanson?

I hate that people offer you more than you came in for, but I guess that is just a universal business model. I don’t feel bad when I supersize my McNuggets but somehow, being told that my sideburns are getting out of control is unforgivable. I just wish that manicurists and waxers everywhere would realize that even if they are getting business, it’s at the expense of making women feel like ugly pieces of shit. The upsell of removing hair has the downside of terrible feelings that are only assuaged after the wax burn has subsided an hour later.

And yes, I’m fully aware I’m growing a beard. But maybe, I'll wear it with pride! No more bullying at nail salons! Hirsut women of the world, unite! If we don't all die alone first. 

i could be frida for halloween. i just need the flower.