If Obamacare isn't legalized, then the cows win.

I’m in the process of making my breakfast. It’s pretty standard. Something with eggs, add some cheese, and add something fun. Could be an English muffin, could be a banana, could be some of Dani’s Oreos. Who knows. In between toast cycles, I Facebook. I simultaneously remember two things that help me define my outlook for the day, and today’s post.

First: The Supreme Court dishes out its ruling on the Affordable Care Act at some point today.

Second: KFC is dishing out this new, cheese-topped sandwich, pictured below:

And that’s when I realize: cows are behind rising healthcare costs.

Think about it.  Or just go to a Westfield Mall or amusement park. There is obesity EVERYWHERE. I MEAN EVERYWHERE. Roughly 1 in 3 Americans is obese. Not chubby—but dangerously heavy. This is a staggering statistic. I can blame the Republicans for cutting funding to schools, thereby cutting gym and health classes. I can blame parents (most likely Republicans also) for not teaching their children proper eating habits. I can even blame the technology industry for making the Sims 2 more fun to play in the summer of my 8^th grade than going outside. But I’m not—the blame is on you, cows.

First off, this isn’t a hate speak on cows, like my similar diatribes on whales. I will not implore you or especially me to become a vegan after this. In fact, I’m already planning a lunch from Taco Bell consisting of roughly 88% cheesy beef and original seasonings. The prevalence of dairy is everywhere, and it cannot be stopped.

The other week, I was at the Piratz Tavern (I’m still a little ashamed), and I ordered a jerk chicken sandwich. The bawdy waitress/wench with the epic cleavage asked if I wanted to add cheese to it, and I instantly responded in the affirmative. After she sauntered back to the kitchen, I mentally chastised myself. “Cheese? Why the fuck do I need cheese in a jerk chicken sandwich. What is wrong with you?!” And that’s when I realized it: we’re being brainwashed by cows and their products into their monopolizing deliciousness. It makes us fat. It’s expensive (they charged me 85 cents to add cheese!). But we can’t stop.

First, dairy is fatty. Even if you do it right, cheese isn’t always the best thing for us, unless you buy the skim varieties with no taste and extra curd. But when most of us consume dairy products, it’s in the form of milkshakes, ice cream cake, grilled cheese, cheese fries, nachos, and mozzarella sticks. And that’s just my post-road race meal.

But then—you add the rest of the cow! There’s always debate on how much red meat is good for us, but the simple science is—who gives a fuck about the numbers, we’re still eating too much of the wrong meat! A few days ago, I read a hipster article in NPR about one brave soul, John Durant, who is on the Paleo diet. For those of you who aren’t into trendy dieting, the Paleo diet is essentially eating foods that our ancestors in the Paleolithic period of existence ate, such as deer, marrow, and tubers. It sounds miserable until, like all NPR articles, they back it with some solid science:

"For millions of years, we didn't have an obesity problem because we ate foods that our metabolism was adapted to…Now, everyone from the American Cancer Society to the American Heart Association and popular food writers such as Mark Bittman tells us to eat less red meat. But Durant says it's a meat-based diet that was fundamental to early human development.”

Here’s how it breaks down. Meat, in the Paleo view, is good for us. The fact that most cavemen didn’t live past the age of 30 is irrelevant. Sort of. The fact that we live longer is the reason why humans develop heart disease, high cholesterol, and colon cancer in greater numbers. Maybe we’re not essentially unhealthier (although I believe that’s a lie: have you seen the value menu at McDonalds?), but we live longer to see the horrible results unfold. And we're eating beyond our means. We're simply not evolved enough to eat the sheer amount and quality of food we're eating now than we were 100 years ago. 

Think about it this way: Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, had such a solid ending. Then, we had to suffer to through 45 minutes of bogus endings and plot twists that we didn’t need. All we wanted to do was see the ring burn in Mordor, and be done with it. Instead, we all have bladder spasms from holding our urine in too long. Modern existence is Lord of the Rings—we’re living too long, dying too slowly, and it’s painful.

Which brings me back to my initial argument. If we’re going to live long and it’s going to be shitty, we should be at least taken care of. Today, maybe even after you’ve already read this blog post, the Supreme Court will be deciding on the constitutionality of mandatory health care for Americans. Whether you agree with this ruling or not, you’re not getting any healthier or any younger. How can affordable health care be a bad thing when we stuff our faces with loaded waffle fries and a grilled cheese burger from Friendly’s. I’m just trying to make life easier for the average person. Eliminating affordable health care will only make our epic, Lord of the Rings-esque, suffering that much worse. I’m not going to stop eating crap, and unless we become a truly Bible-thumping country, I don’t think we can ever ban mixing meat and milk either. (Exodus 23:19).

So, it’s a conundrum. This country is full of mindless fucks who want to deny themselves the very rights they can’t afford to lose in the first place. Cows are making us fat, but it’s the people who are unwilling to do anything about it. The problem isn't disappearing, even if our one chance to fight it is. Talk about lactose intolerance!