Slippers are for the weak and coasters are for the foolish .

Creature comforts. The phrase brings up connotations of chicken noodle soup, warm blankets and a cozy couch. We have a word for it in Yiddish—haimish. As in, “Oy, Saul, that hotel we stayed in was terrible with the bed bugs but this new one with the mini bar is so haimish!” Enjoying all the comforts of home isn’t a bad thing; in fact, it’s probably the best feeling in the world. But as the Monkees say in their song Pleasant Valley Sunday, “Creature comfort goals/They only numb my soul”. Thus, as is custom with me, I’m here to rant about two things you probably use everyday and don’t think twice about—slippers and coasters. And I’m here to tell you that they are wrong.

Let’s start with slippers. First, as I recently was taught this weekend by roommates, slippers are for women and house shoes are for men. For the sake of the article and just to piss them off more, I’m going to refer to them all as slippers. Alex and Clyde have adamantly proclaimed how comfortable slippers are and how warm they keep their feet. Slippers apparently are like stepping into a slice of heaven every morning. Since I choose to stay barefoot in the morning like some godless heathen, I’m not allowed this slice of heaven, nor do I want it. Better to rule in hell than to serve in heaven. You don’t wear socks with slippers. Therefore, all that weird wool or fleece lining just sucks up your foot sweat and bakes in there. You know why your feet are so warm? You slippers wearers are just bathing your stinky toes in a fetid bath of ringworm and tuberculosis.

If you’re curious for more reasons on the dangers of warm feet, I encourage you to check out this video entitled “Slippers Suck” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5HpMYvSjGM. While I normally hate kids with YouTube channels, these kids bring up a valid point: If your feet get too warm, they’ll catch on fire. Have fun with your stumps. 

Apparently slippers are also very comfortable, besides being foul heaters. Feet pillows and all that. Here’s my concern—if slippers are your most comfortable pair of shoes, then maybe you’re buying shoes wrong. Yes, I know not all of my shoes are comfortable (mostly due to my vast collection of heels) but every shoe I wear on a daily basis is equally cozy. I don’t need one supreme pair of comfortable shoes because I make comfort a part of my shoe buying process. If my feet get cold, I put on a pair of socks.

I think slippers are something the bourgeois invented to set themselves apart from the proletariat. Ever notice how expensive slippers are too? It’s something the Rockefellers invented to make people feel as though they’ve made it, when really they’ve had warm feet all along. I can’t remember if they were the family with steel, oil or the steam engine but I don’t need to be a part of their upper class crust—my feet are stronger and more resistant than theirs. My warm-blooded toes don’t need something from a Brooks Brothers catalog to tell me otherwise.

On a similarly ridiculous thread, I also hate coasters. I’ve discussed this ad nauseum with my friend Jon Andersen and luckily, he agrees. Or maybe he’s too afraid to disagree when I get charged up on something I hate. Coasters, unlike slippers, do have a seemingly valid purpose: they prevent water rings from appearing on furniture because glasses sweat. I believe in condensation and beverage physics and all that. What I still don’t understand is how water rings are still prevalent. Why haven’t we developed a furniture technology to make our furniture resilient to water rings? If we can eradicate polio, can’t we immunize our furniture from a little H20? There must be some sort of spray or treatment for wood that can stop the terrible plague of the water ring.

Is the coaster market really that large and powerful that it controls how furniture is treated? I think Crate and Barrel is in on this one and bribing Ethan Allen and all other furniture stores to create wimpy wood finishes. It’s purposeful obsolescence, just like cell phones. Eventually, when we get tired of water marks, we’ll just buy a new coffee table. All because furniture has failed to evolve with the times. Why hasn’t Ikea done anything with this yet? They’re innovative but even the Fjorhlzt table I just invented probably still succumbs to water damage.

Our furniture should be sturdy but instead it’s treated like origami. I’m sure the pioneers in America knew how to make resilient tables. Yet, instead of progress, our furniture is more and more fragile. I shudder to think my future children might live in a world where they are assaulted by stodgy homeowners who scream ‘PUT A COASTER UNDER THAT LEMONADE!”

If there is anything we want for our children, it’s to have them live in a world better than the one we grew up in. Therefore, unborn spawn of Sharon—I have two wishes for you. May you develop my hardy feet and not waste your money on elitist footwear and may you have practical furniture that can withstand a fucking glass of water.