The Zoo: where the only animals that should be locked up are the humans

 Wow. I received a good amount of hatred for my last post on whales. Despite the fact I am still waiting, with bated breath, for someone to logically counter my claims, I’m okay being disliked by a good contingent of my friends. I’ve even accepted the fact I’m spitting on the face of my Connecticut upbringing. The state of Connecticut would not be as wealthy or full of people saying ‘wicked cool’ as it is now had it not been for the intense economic boon of whaling. That, combined with nutmeg trading and yacht racing.

To show I’m not an animal hater and because I didn’t want to clean out my car, I went to the zoo on Sunday. Actually, more of the impetus was that Clyde suggested it and he’s an unstoppable good idea machine. He decided this would be the venue for our Sunday adventure because he wanted to take some photographs of animals in their natural habitats. I went because I wanted to see my bear brethren at their finest. And I really, really, really, did not want to vacuum the French fries that are currently residing under my seat cushions in the Taurus. What I wasn’t prepared for was the aggravation of humanity, my least favorite species.

I’m not sure what it is about zoos that bring out the worst in people. Maybe it’s the free admission. Maybe it’s the overabundance of children and the natural correlation to speak and think in baby-talk. All I know is that people try to be one with nature at the zoo and it’s not in the smart Thoreau way. He went to the woods to live deliberately. Zoo people go to the zoo to live like morons.

I’d probably be more pissed if I were Clyde because he actually went with the vested interest to make good art. Instead, he and I were accosted with not just poorly behaved children but equally poorly behaved adults. One shining example was at one of the duck ponds. I was rudely interrupted from my duck musings when I heard a father of two proceed to quack like a duck. Or attempt to. If my mouth was full of gravel and bees, and I tried to sing the national anthem, that’s what this man’s duck noises sounded like. The best part is that he legitimately thought he would actually make the ducks turn around and do some sort of dog and pony show for his kids. Naturally, it didn’t because ducks are sadly used to this pathetic show of human behavior.

Let me continue. A great majority of the exhibits were closed. I was exhilarated earlier to see the seals, monkeys and pandas. Yet, when we got to the their habitats (after bad signs with shoddy arrows), they were not there. I don’t even know where a seal goes in the off-season of renovations but it certainly is a disappointment. It would have been nice to have been told this before we left for the zoo. It’s like going to Pizza Hut and hearing they don’t have the stuffed crust. Sure you can get the majority of the menu, but if you don’t have the big ticket item, what’s the point.

We decided to eat a late lunch. I ordered a veggie burger and had to wait 20 minutes for them to grill a freezer-burned Boca Burger from the Reagan era. It tasted like Reagan, when I actually got it. Actually, that’s a lie because there was no lettuce or tomato on this burger (would have cost an extra $1.50 apparently) and Reagan was more of a vegetable than this veggie burger would ever be. Ouch, too soon?

I won’t continue with more whines. I’m just dismayed at how abrasive children are these days. What happened to a quiet respect of the animals? Instead, they’re rubbing their gross fanny scratchers (fingers) all over the glass and tapping in the reptile cages.  The parents don’t care. They’re excited they can just let their kids run around for hours, for free. I love the zero-admission of the zoo but I’d be willing to pay ten dollars if I didn’t have to deal with these mouth breathers, some of them the same size as me, charging through putting their grubby hands on my legs. Ugh.

People my age aren’t any different. I saw 20 something year olds making fishy faces and giggling at the humping monkeys. Yeah, it was funny for the first two minutes. I don’t need to hear your Ron Jeremy imitation though. Plus, you were wearing those feet shoes. Needless to say, the zoo brings out everyone I hate, poorly behaved hipsters and children,  in the environment that I should love. People say zoos are cruel for animals, but the only cruelty these animals incur is having to watch us humans every day.