It's no coincidence 'fail' rhymes with 'whale'

This is, without a doubt, my most controversial post yet. Forget my seemingly Draconian or enlightened views on Feminism, depending on the range of your comments. Forget my liberal ideas of having a bi-party for bipartisanship. Even more important, forget my eccentric view on vests. I am going to hate on something that everyone loves—whales.

Everyone loves whales. Free Willy for goodness sake! The whale from Finding Nemo! Anytime Ellen DeGeneres speaks to anything in an accent, it’s humorous. But I’m here to argue, what has a whale done for us. Think about it. There’s nothing a whale does that another animal can’t do, if not better. Like sharks. My roommate Clyde countered this debate saying that whales gave us heat for oil lamps back in the day. You know what else gave us heat? Literally anything else you can burn. Sticks, bales of hay, lumber—anything is flammable if you try hard enough. Dinosaurs have been dead for like millions of years, and they’re still giving back to us. I don’t agree with the usage of fossil fuels, but the fact that there are no pterodactyls and my car can still reach 80 mph is just another solid contribution from the dinosaur contingent. Whale oil is just a sad excuse for fuel—like switch grass.

Also, whales just take up a ton of space. I know I’m biased since I qualify as carry-on luggage size (another reason why I’m the perfect travel companion) but whales are gigantic. There could be so much ocean diversity if whales didn’t just suck up all the water and eat all the krill. They’re the biggest animal and they suck up all the life in the ocean. How selfish! They’re stupid show stealers for stupid families at Sea World. Whales are over-commercialized, like Hallmark.

We’ve all seen that tragic picture of a whale’s dong, called a ‘dork’. That thing just haunts me with its massiveness. Plus, there’s no way all that splooge can go inside a female whale’s hoohah (which, by the way, is 5 feet in size…gross). At the risk of sounding trite, maybe that’s why the ocean is so salty. Did you know that whale semen is in cigarettes? No joke! If you want to quit smoking, just associate smoking a cigarette as blowing a whale. That’s just vile.

I’m not the only person who feels this way. In my quest to do research for this post, I Googled ‘hate on whales’ and found a bunch of sites. Sadly, many of them advocate the killing of whales, which I don’t. But, I was enraptured with one group’s mission statement:

“We hope to enlighten you to the true issues behind whales. These evil, overgrown mammals have taken over the seas of humankind, and have made suckers out of many of you as a shield for money hungry, overly political eco terrorists! Voyage of the Mimi left many young people damaged for years. Some turned to drugs, others to alcohol, and a percentage turned to whalerage. Join our forces, spread the word, and end the Order of the Cetaceans!”

Okay, I’m more just in love with the phrase ‘whalerage’ than the rest of the stuff. Although, I did see pictures of Vladamir Putin, my favorite badass world leader, harpooning a whale. That’s pretty gangster. Captain Ahab, even when played by the magnificent Gregory Peck, couldn’t kill Moby Dick. That damn sperm whale killed him. Any animal that kills Atticus Finch deserves my anger.

I can’t say enough that I don’t believe in killing whales but I don’t get sucked into their bullshit that they’ve been passing off for years as valid. People pay loads of money to go on whale watches for these prima donnas, and half the time it rains and these massive mammals don’t even show up. You see a splotch in the sea, probably a tire, and everyone thinks it’s beautiful.  Whales kills seals, which are my favorite animal. I know it’s the circle of life, but whales are just those greedy fat people at parties who eat all your food without contributing anything. And then they complain why you don’t like them. Bake me a quiche, whale, and I’ll like you more.

True story: whales hate the hippies who love them.