I couldn’t decided what outraged me more this week. First, I continuously keep checking my phone, waiting for a scandalous picture of Anthony Weiner’s, well, weiner, to show up. I honestly feel like the only single, somewhat attractive woman in America who hasn’t been graced with that bulging piece of news. Not that I want to see it, but I’d like the option of knowing that I was one of the girls. It reminds me of the time when swine flu was big. My then roommate Rachel Stein (nicknamed Rachel Swine for the week) got the flu and I was jealous. I didn’t want to be sick but I just wanted to follow the trend. Unfortunately, my immune system kicked that out and I was stuck being healthy and boring.
Despite Weinergate consuming our lives (and making me feel bad for not having a Twitter), I’ve had to pick Sarah Palin’s Paul Revere gaffe as the incident that made me just want to smash my head through a thousand brick walls. Let me divulge something--I’m also terrible at American history. Really, really bad. As in, I forgot who won the Battle of Gettysburg recently and decided not to check it out online because I want one of the books I’m reading to end up as a surprise. No spoilers! I never memorized the preamble to the Constitution and don’t think I ever learned about the Cuban Missile Crisis in any form, at all. Most of my history comes from watching Clone High and rapidly Googling things while listening to NPR. I’m a dangerous type of American--the type who loves this country but barely scratches the surface on her illustrious history. Yet, and here’s the big distinguishing factor--I’m not running for President.
Call me ridiculous, but I think beyond the usual requirements for being President of the United States (being a natural citizen, over 35 years, lived here for over 14 years, and having the ability for Martin Sheen to play you on TV), you should probably know at least basic US history. I’m just saying, if I wanted to be a baker, I’d make sure I knew how to bake chocolate chip cookies before I attempted to make a wedding cake. If I wanted to be an electrical engineer, I’d make sure I knew how to test batteries besides licking them before I wired a house. I wouldn’t just jump in claiming I was the best candidate when I could barely pass 4th grade history.
With all due respect Sarah Palin, that’s the reason why rhymes and poems exist. To teach us. If you couldn’t remember Longfellow’s poem about Paul Revere’s ride, maybe you don’t know that Columbus sailed the ocean blue in 1492. I could see how that might be confusing. One if by land, two if by sea? No, apparently Paul Revere was a crazy Republican too who liked throwing shots, bells, and whistles in the air just for the hell of it. Seriously, check it out online. Being rambunctious and disorderly is the pastime of the Republican party.
“He who warned the British that they weren’t going to be taking away our arms, by ringing those bells, and making sure as he’s riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free.”
Nice try Sarah. I know you don’t know the names of literally any newspapers and you think that every problem can be solved with a well-timed ‘You betcha’, but you better not cute your way out of this one. I’m appalled that you have your followers attempting to actually edit history on Wikipedia to change the details of Paul Revere’s ride. This isn’t ‘1984’, Sarah. Eastasia isn’t at war with Eurasia when you want it to be. You screwed up, deal with it. Now please go back to Alaska and finish raising your children. They obviously need your help than the rest of America does.
Oh, one more thing. Pizza is not eaten with a fork. Jeez.
Despite Weinergate consuming our lives (and making me feel bad for not having a Twitter), I’ve had to pick Sarah Palin’s Paul Revere gaffe as the incident that made me just want to smash my head through a thousand brick walls. Let me divulge something--I’m also terrible at American history. Really, really bad. As in, I forgot who won the Battle of Gettysburg recently and decided not to check it out online because I want one of the books I’m reading to end up as a surprise. No spoilers! I never memorized the preamble to the Constitution and don’t think I ever learned about the Cuban Missile Crisis in any form, at all. Most of my history comes from watching Clone High and rapidly Googling things while listening to NPR. I’m a dangerous type of American--the type who loves this country but barely scratches the surface on her illustrious history. Yet, and here’s the big distinguishing factor--I’m not running for President.
Call me ridiculous, but I think beyond the usual requirements for being President of the United States (being a natural citizen, over 35 years, lived here for over 14 years, and having the ability for Martin Sheen to play you on TV), you should probably know at least basic US history. I’m just saying, if I wanted to be a baker, I’d make sure I knew how to bake chocolate chip cookies before I attempted to make a wedding cake. If I wanted to be an electrical engineer, I’d make sure I knew how to test batteries besides licking them before I wired a house. I wouldn’t just jump in claiming I was the best candidate when I could barely pass 4th grade history.
With all due respect Sarah Palin, that’s the reason why rhymes and poems exist. To teach us. If you couldn’t remember Longfellow’s poem about Paul Revere’s ride, maybe you don’t know that Columbus sailed the ocean blue in 1492. I could see how that might be confusing. One if by land, two if by sea? No, apparently Paul Revere was a crazy Republican too who liked throwing shots, bells, and whistles in the air just for the hell of it. Seriously, check it out online. Being rambunctious and disorderly is the pastime of the Republican party.
“He who warned the British that they weren’t going to be taking away our arms, by ringing those bells, and making sure as he’s riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free.”
Nice try Sarah. I know you don’t know the names of literally any newspapers and you think that every problem can be solved with a well-timed ‘You betcha’, but you better not cute your way out of this one. I’m appalled that you have your followers attempting to actually edit history on Wikipedia to change the details of Paul Revere’s ride. This isn’t ‘1984’, Sarah. Eastasia isn’t at war with Eurasia when you want it to be. You screwed up, deal with it. Now please go back to Alaska and finish raising your children. They obviously need your help than the rest of America does.
Oh, one more thing. Pizza is not eaten with a fork. Jeez.
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| I bet she thinks this is a picture of Benjamin Franklin. |
wait, it isn't?!
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