American as Apple(pie)

Usually, my Facebook statuses are sporadic thoughts I have that I’m too lazy to turn into blog posts. For instance, last week I proclaimed my desire to like meatloaf as much as I like Meatloaf. Despite my copious consumption of beef from then until now, sadly my wish hasn’t become a reality. It doesn’t merit a blog post though, mostly due to my lack of initiative. What is Meatloaf up to, anyways?

Yesterday, I joked in a status update that if the government were run by Mac users, then maybe it wouldn’t have to shutdown and restart so frequently. Insert a couple of Facebook thumbs ups and comments here, and you’d get an accurate depiction of what my Newsfeed looks like.  Then, I experienced a feeling that I don’t encounter very often—I was right!

Apple products are the perfect analogy to how our government should be run. Instead of saying all of my thoughts and feelings in a Facebook thread (because nothing is truly sadder than when a person comments profusely on their own status), I’d do the more egotistical but less self-deprecating approach: blog about it. 

As I initially commented on FB, Apple products are designed with the user in mind. They are not like other products that are complicated and involved reams of product documentation. An iPad can be used right out of the box with little direction. I’m not saying that Americans are stupid because they can’t handle manuals or that we should be allowed to run amok with little supervision. The stupidity of the general populace in this country belongs in a different rant. This jab is at Congress, et al. I’m saying that our government should just know the shit it’s supposed to do and do it right and right away.

Look at it this way. You own a PC and you have to deal with error messages and viruses. Politicians love fear mongering with viruses. While Rick Perry might be forcing Guardasil on you, and Bachmann might say that this causes mental retardation in twelve year old girls, wouldn’t it be better to just have zero viruses altogether? Viruses are just as real to Apple users as true love is to Charlie Sheen.

Seriously, the current government, depicted in my eyes as the PC (not to be confused with politically correct, which our politics most certainly are not), is susceptible to the virus of stupidity now. I see no vaccination in sight. I’m not just finger pointing at the Tea Party (because then I’d get carpal tunnel from too much activity, and it wouldn’t be covered since my healthcare is gone), but our government is diseased. Everyone is yelling at everyone, and there is no harmony.

In the wonderful world of Apple, there are no viruses or discord. Things just get along. Apple talks to other devices in other families and works with them in compromise. It’s just easy dialogue. Sure, it may get the reputation of being elitist, but wouldn’t you rather pay slightly more for a government that will just work all the time?

Think about how many times you’ve had to hit CTRL+ALT+DELETE on your PC to get a do-over. This is what the current budget crisis looks like for Congress. As we near a potential shutdown again this week, I can’t help but think how few times I’ve had to restart my Macbook, Hank. While the comparison is silly, it still makes me dream of a government that actually cares about people and their problems. Apple works for me; I don’t have to work for it.

hotter than obama girl!

Statistically, Mac owners are more liberal (see more facts of PC vs. Mac users here: http://blog.hunch.com/?p=45344) and while I don’t want to declare allegiance to either party right now (and pretend I have a degree in computer science), I can’t help but fantasize of a government running on a Macintosh platform.  Here would be the crucial points:

-an upgrade literally every six months. Sure, that can be annoying. These iPads are coming faster and more often than a porn star. But it can also be a good thing! Constant upgrades means if you’re sick of how things are going; you only have to wait a little bit of time until they just get even better. Plus, the upgrades have awesome names, like Snow Leopard and Lion. What a fierce government! Do you really want to have a government that had names like Vista and XP?

-indiscriminate financing. I bought my Macbook Pro with an Apple financing plan that didn’t judge me because I wasn’t from Bethesda, wasn't wearing American Apparel or didn't work for a graphic design firm. Apple wants you and will work with you, depending on your finances. Perhaps they are Socialist, but Apple won’t tax you for being poor. I'm sure it's not just the wealthiest 2% who own Apple. 

-it’s made better. Seriously, I had to replace my battery on my old PC twice and bought three chargers during its pathetic life span. My Macbook doesn’t overheat, is shiny as fuck, and has a fantastic battery life. My ideal government would be one that is beautiful in and out. While on average, the Tea Party candidates have been good looking, they are dumb as dirt inside. Voting for Michele Bachman is like buying a nice case for your Zune.

Anyways, in my crusade against shitty technology and even shittier government, I realized that I might actually have found a connection. Apple doesn’t suck. Our government sucks for the very reasons that PCs do. I don’t know a lot about technology or government, but even I can figure out that our representatives need to learn from a tried and true model. An Apple a day keeps the doctor away (actually, ironically, so will Tea Party candidates if they cut healthcare any further). But yeah, it’s just a cliché that is analogous to our political landscape.

So when election time comes, vote for someone who will just make sense and work out of the box. iDemocracy sounds glorious. 

I didn't claw my way up the foodchain to eat vegetables

Last night, I met my good friend Asher for beer at the Dogfish Head Ale House. He was coming from a family dinner, and like a responsible person, had already eaten dinner before 9 PM. Even though I highly value eating, I rarely do it at conventional times (evidenced by my 11 PM Cheez-it binges with Alex). So, when I got to Dogfish, I obviously hadn’t eaten dinner yet. It’s your typical pub food but I was ravenous. There were only so many chicken wings and mozzarella sticks you can eat but still be hungry an hour later from. No, I wanted a real fucking meal that I’d be what Louie C.K. calls ‘uncomfortably full’ after. I opted for the roast beef sandwich since I’m on a roast beef kick. 

It arrived almost ten minutes later in full sandwich glory. Seriously—toothpicks adorned the sandwich like regal flags from Arthurian legend and the French fries were the loyal subjects of this delicious kingdom. My sandwich came with horseradish, ketchup and that au jus stuff. Since I don’t really like using French words and I live in the goddamn USA, I just call it beef juice. 

While I waited for Asher to show up, I started eating the shit out of this mouth orgasm on a plate in front of me. I eyed the ketchup and thought to myself I’d give it a try. I really don’t care for ketchup, but I couldn’t remember why. So, being an adult, I wanted to try it again. It really wasn’t half bad but after 4 fries dipped in this red stuff, I got bored. Unaware that I was doing this, I started dipping my fries in the beef juice. Glorious. And then I started dipping more of my sandwich in it too. That’s when I realized I was dipping my meat sandwich in more meat. I almost had to excuse myself from the restaurant, I was so excited. Luckily, Asher showed up and saved me from what was soon to be a charge of public indecency. 

Now, this might not seem like a big deal to a lot of you, but I’m going to level with you. I haven’t eaten meat in a non-kosher restaurant in close to seven years. When I had a steak sandwich with Clyde in Niagara a few weeks ago, I just looked him dead in the eye and shouted, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW GOOD MEAT IS??!?!??!?!?!?”. As usual, Clyde was confirmed that I was still ridiculously inappropriate. I can’t stop eating meat now. I want it for lunch. It’s consuming my thoughts. It’s like Ron Swanson took over my brain. You had me at meat tornado. 

Anyways, while stuffing my face with cow last night, it reminded me of my continuous diatribe against vegetarians. I have some good friends who are vegetarians, so I don’t want to disrespect you too much. However, I just don’t get it. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW GOOD MEAT IS? I know that’s not the point. You have lofty reasons of saving animals and respect for the Earth that you uphold. That’s when I ponder, how can an animal lover like myself eat the sheer quantities of animals that I do? I wish I could pull a Hank Hill and calculate how much beef I eat in a year. 

When I used to order items without meat in the previous years, my waiters and waitresses would point-blank ask me if I was a vegetarian. The first couple of times I’d gasp at being called such an offensive word and then tried to explain what I was doing. Then, it just got easier to grin and bear it, like a horrible date. Yes, I was a vegetarian, but in reality, my fridge at home is stocked with 15 pounds of Empire chicken nuggets. I was lying to myself whenever I accepted that label but it was better than having to explain what my then skewed definition of keeping kosher meant.

But back to my original question—how can someone like me who saves spiders by bringing them outside instead of squashing them eat as much meat as I do? I love animals so much. I sleep with a stuffed animal seal. I coo when I see ducks. I think cows are adorable but I ate one last night. What the fuck is that all about? I feel like a huge hypocrite because I like animals more than I like most people, but I’ve never eaten a human before. Wouldn’t that be more fair? I bet Republicans taste terrible though.

I have no idea how to counter this crazy logic I mused about for a few minutes while eating a roast beef sandwich, but I wonder if I have to. Humans have been eating meat for thousands of years and I’m not about to change history with my inane ramblings. I can love animals but also love them on a hoagie roll. Life isn’t black and white, after all. It’s all cooked medium.

arrrrghhhh

Taking yet another page of JD Salinger’s book (aka my bible), The Catcher in the Rye, I’ve decided that it’s about time for me to rag on people a bit. I mean, that’s Holden for you. Truthfully, I do love being around people but that doesn’t mean I love people. They’re just more fun to be around than me all the time. After a while, just laughing at/by/with myself gets kind of pathetic. And I’m already sporting a pretty pathetic sense of humor.

I spent this past weekend up in not-so-snowy Rochester visiting Clyde. I like Clyde because we hate the same sorts of people. It’s reassuring in a way to know I’m not crazy when I’m filled with anger about parents who let their kids run around in movie theatres, rubbing their boogers all over the seats. Blegh. God forbid I ever reproduce, I’m not bringing my offspring to the movies. I hate it when dates talk to me during movies—do you really think I’ll be able to put up with sugar-ridden toddlers who start screaming when a movie gets too loud because Denzel Washington is taking names and kicking ass?

Clyde and I spent Saturday at Niagara Falls, looking at one of the Natural Wonders of the World. Now, I try not to be too sentimental (I truly do hate Valentine’s Day and kittens, for instance), but something about a humongous waterfall just makes me heart pound with love for this crazy beautiful Earth. Like everything wonderful, it’s the goddamn people that have to ruin it.

Niagara Falls is a tourist trap, and like all places that teem with sweaty families filled with disrespect for landmarks, they also say the stupidest things. I love a good saying, but sometimes things become so trite, they’re just too painful. It literally makes my skin crawl, and not just because I’m covered with Canadian mist. Here’s the list of my top four infernal things I will punch you in the face for if I ever hear you say aloud:

“Well, I guess we’ll just burn off lunch with all this walking!”

No shit. Moving burns calories. And those calories came from that overpriced meal you got at that rip-off "authentic" diner you ate at. Now, this is my own scientific logic, but if you’re planning to have your slow amble up and down an overfilled street (while simultaneously lining your family up like the Wizard of Oz gang so no one can pass in either direction) be your only exercise for today, then I finally solved the puzzle as to why practically ½ of Americans are obese.

“We’ll sleep well tonight!”

This is on the same thread as my previous idiotic statement. After a family tires themselves out, they always remark wistfully how they’ll just pass out in bed early and sleep extra deeply. Maybe it’s true they’re exhausted but it’s not from the task you call walking around. No, you’re stopping in and out of kitschy souvenir stores and waiting in line in blistering heat for some overpriced amusement park ride or entry to a wax museum. I’m not saying rides aren’t cool—hell, Clyde and I went on a Ferris Wheel, but that doesn’t really mean I’m sleeping any better at night.

“Wow, this is a long traffic light [and others related]!”

i don't love garfield, but who doesn't love a good arrrgh!?

Okay, this one really grinds my gears because it’s so obvious. We’re all noticing it because we’re all a) either in the same car together or b) waiting at the same crosswalk together. Either way, it’s the same situation as when someone points out how dark the sky is getting when the sun hides behind clouds or how windy it is when tree limbs are snapping and women’s tops are flying up. God. Yes it’s long. I’m waiting in the same light, and even though we’re different people, it doesn’t mean time is really that relative. Yes, I have to pee too. Yes, those creepy guys in the car next to us are making inappropriate gestures to their penises. Yes, I am also craving Taco Bell. But your inane observation won’t make that light change any faster.

“Hahaha, don’t fall in!”

I got this one a lot when I told people I’d be seeing Niagara Falls. Really? Do I look like the type of bumbling fool who can just spontaneously find myself barreling down Niagara Falls? Or, am I the type of spaz who would actually do it on purpose? I couldn’t help but remember the similar plight that Ralphie went through in A Christmas Story when family members and teachers tell him that he’ll shoot his eye out. Seriously, he may be a young kid but he’s not going to shoot his eye out on purpose.  Just like I’m not going fucking find myself toppling down a super large waterfall because it's just a terrible idea.

This reminds me of my rant on the earthquake where everyone tries to make it all about them. They’d all be excited to know the person who somehow fell down Niagara Falls because of their crazy prophetic words. Sadly, I didn’t end up drowning in frigid Canadian water, impaled by large rocks and whirled about by dizzying cataracts. Sorry to disappoint.

Next time you find yourself on vacation and giving your brain a couple of days rest, please don’t become a moron. If what you’re saying makes so much obvious sense that a frontrunner for the Tea Party doesn’t get it, then you’re probably an idiot for even thinking it.