arrrrghhhh

Taking yet another page of JD Salinger’s book (aka my bible), The Catcher in the Rye, I’ve decided that it’s about time for me to rag on people a bit. I mean, that’s Holden for you. Truthfully, I do love being around people but that doesn’t mean I love people. They’re just more fun to be around than me all the time. After a while, just laughing at/by/with myself gets kind of pathetic. And I’m already sporting a pretty pathetic sense of humor.

I spent this past weekend up in not-so-snowy Rochester visiting Clyde. I like Clyde because we hate the same sorts of people. It’s reassuring in a way to know I’m not crazy when I’m filled with anger about parents who let their kids run around in movie theatres, rubbing their boogers all over the seats. Blegh. God forbid I ever reproduce, I’m not bringing my offspring to the movies. I hate it when dates talk to me during movies—do you really think I’ll be able to put up with sugar-ridden toddlers who start screaming when a movie gets too loud because Denzel Washington is taking names and kicking ass?

Clyde and I spent Saturday at Niagara Falls, looking at one of the Natural Wonders of the World. Now, I try not to be too sentimental (I truly do hate Valentine’s Day and kittens, for instance), but something about a humongous waterfall just makes me heart pound with love for this crazy beautiful Earth. Like everything wonderful, it’s the goddamn people that have to ruin it.

Niagara Falls is a tourist trap, and like all places that teem with sweaty families filled with disrespect for landmarks, they also say the stupidest things. I love a good saying, but sometimes things become so trite, they’re just too painful. It literally makes my skin crawl, and not just because I’m covered with Canadian mist. Here’s the list of my top four infernal things I will punch you in the face for if I ever hear you say aloud:

“Well, I guess we’ll just burn off lunch with all this walking!”

No shit. Moving burns calories. And those calories came from that overpriced meal you got at that rip-off "authentic" diner you ate at. Now, this is my own scientific logic, but if you’re planning to have your slow amble up and down an overfilled street (while simultaneously lining your family up like the Wizard of Oz gang so no one can pass in either direction) be your only exercise for today, then I finally solved the puzzle as to why practically ½ of Americans are obese.

“We’ll sleep well tonight!”

This is on the same thread as my previous idiotic statement. After a family tires themselves out, they always remark wistfully how they’ll just pass out in bed early and sleep extra deeply. Maybe it’s true they’re exhausted but it’s not from the task you call walking around. No, you’re stopping in and out of kitschy souvenir stores and waiting in line in blistering heat for some overpriced amusement park ride or entry to a wax museum. I’m not saying rides aren’t cool—hell, Clyde and I went on a Ferris Wheel, but that doesn’t really mean I’m sleeping any better at night.

“Wow, this is a long traffic light [and others related]!”

i don't love garfield, but who doesn't love a good arrrgh!?

Okay, this one really grinds my gears because it’s so obvious. We’re all noticing it because we’re all a) either in the same car together or b) waiting at the same crosswalk together. Either way, it’s the same situation as when someone points out how dark the sky is getting when the sun hides behind clouds or how windy it is when tree limbs are snapping and women’s tops are flying up. God. Yes it’s long. I’m waiting in the same light, and even though we’re different people, it doesn’t mean time is really that relative. Yes, I have to pee too. Yes, those creepy guys in the car next to us are making inappropriate gestures to their penises. Yes, I am also craving Taco Bell. But your inane observation won’t make that light change any faster.

“Hahaha, don’t fall in!”

I got this one a lot when I told people I’d be seeing Niagara Falls. Really? Do I look like the type of bumbling fool who can just spontaneously find myself barreling down Niagara Falls? Or, am I the type of spaz who would actually do it on purpose? I couldn’t help but remember the similar plight that Ralphie went through in A Christmas Story when family members and teachers tell him that he’ll shoot his eye out. Seriously, he may be a young kid but he’s not going to shoot his eye out on purpose.  Just like I’m not going fucking find myself toppling down a super large waterfall because it's just a terrible idea.

This reminds me of my rant on the earthquake where everyone tries to make it all about them. They’d all be excited to know the person who somehow fell down Niagara Falls because of their crazy prophetic words. Sadly, I didn’t end up drowning in frigid Canadian water, impaled by large rocks and whirled about by dizzying cataracts. Sorry to disappoint.

Next time you find yourself on vacation and giving your brain a couple of days rest, please don’t become a moron. If what you’re saying makes so much obvious sense that a frontrunner for the Tea Party doesn’t get it, then you’re probably an idiot for even thinking it.