American as Apple(pie)

Usually, my Facebook statuses are sporadic thoughts I have that I’m too lazy to turn into blog posts. For instance, last week I proclaimed my desire to like meatloaf as much as I like Meatloaf. Despite my copious consumption of beef from then until now, sadly my wish hasn’t become a reality. It doesn’t merit a blog post though, mostly due to my lack of initiative. What is Meatloaf up to, anyways?

Yesterday, I joked in a status update that if the government were run by Mac users, then maybe it wouldn’t have to shutdown and restart so frequently. Insert a couple of Facebook thumbs ups and comments here, and you’d get an accurate depiction of what my Newsfeed looks like.  Then, I experienced a feeling that I don’t encounter very often—I was right!

Apple products are the perfect analogy to how our government should be run. Instead of saying all of my thoughts and feelings in a Facebook thread (because nothing is truly sadder than when a person comments profusely on their own status), I’d do the more egotistical but less self-deprecating approach: blog about it. 

As I initially commented on FB, Apple products are designed with the user in mind. They are not like other products that are complicated and involved reams of product documentation. An iPad can be used right out of the box with little direction. I’m not saying that Americans are stupid because they can’t handle manuals or that we should be allowed to run amok with little supervision. The stupidity of the general populace in this country belongs in a different rant. This jab is at Congress, et al. I’m saying that our government should just know the shit it’s supposed to do and do it right and right away.

Look at it this way. You own a PC and you have to deal with error messages and viruses. Politicians love fear mongering with viruses. While Rick Perry might be forcing Guardasil on you, and Bachmann might say that this causes mental retardation in twelve year old girls, wouldn’t it be better to just have zero viruses altogether? Viruses are just as real to Apple users as true love is to Charlie Sheen.

Seriously, the current government, depicted in my eyes as the PC (not to be confused with politically correct, which our politics most certainly are not), is susceptible to the virus of stupidity now. I see no vaccination in sight. I’m not just finger pointing at the Tea Party (because then I’d get carpal tunnel from too much activity, and it wouldn’t be covered since my healthcare is gone), but our government is diseased. Everyone is yelling at everyone, and there is no harmony.

In the wonderful world of Apple, there are no viruses or discord. Things just get along. Apple talks to other devices in other families and works with them in compromise. It’s just easy dialogue. Sure, it may get the reputation of being elitist, but wouldn’t you rather pay slightly more for a government that will just work all the time?

Think about how many times you’ve had to hit CTRL+ALT+DELETE on your PC to get a do-over. This is what the current budget crisis looks like for Congress. As we near a potential shutdown again this week, I can’t help but think how few times I’ve had to restart my Macbook, Hank. While the comparison is silly, it still makes me dream of a government that actually cares about people and their problems. Apple works for me; I don’t have to work for it.

hotter than obama girl!

Statistically, Mac owners are more liberal (see more facts of PC vs. Mac users here: http://blog.hunch.com/?p=45344) and while I don’t want to declare allegiance to either party right now (and pretend I have a degree in computer science), I can’t help but fantasize of a government running on a Macintosh platform.  Here would be the crucial points:

-an upgrade literally every six months. Sure, that can be annoying. These iPads are coming faster and more often than a porn star. But it can also be a good thing! Constant upgrades means if you’re sick of how things are going; you only have to wait a little bit of time until they just get even better. Plus, the upgrades have awesome names, like Snow Leopard and Lion. What a fierce government! Do you really want to have a government that had names like Vista and XP?

-indiscriminate financing. I bought my Macbook Pro with an Apple financing plan that didn’t judge me because I wasn’t from Bethesda, wasn't wearing American Apparel or didn't work for a graphic design firm. Apple wants you and will work with you, depending on your finances. Perhaps they are Socialist, but Apple won’t tax you for being poor. I'm sure it's not just the wealthiest 2% who own Apple. 

-it’s made better. Seriously, I had to replace my battery on my old PC twice and bought three chargers during its pathetic life span. My Macbook doesn’t overheat, is shiny as fuck, and has a fantastic battery life. My ideal government would be one that is beautiful in and out. While on average, the Tea Party candidates have been good looking, they are dumb as dirt inside. Voting for Michele Bachman is like buying a nice case for your Zune.

Anyways, in my crusade against shitty technology and even shittier government, I realized that I might actually have found a connection. Apple doesn’t suck. Our government sucks for the very reasons that PCs do. I don’t know a lot about technology or government, but even I can figure out that our representatives need to learn from a tried and true model. An Apple a day keeps the doctor away (actually, ironically, so will Tea Party candidates if they cut healthcare any further). But yeah, it’s just a cliché that is analogous to our political landscape.

So when election time comes, vote for someone who will just make sense and work out of the box. iDemocracy sounds glorious.