A woman doing math? Burn her! She’s a witch!

the limit does not exist!

Despite my ardent disbelief in germs, they’ve proven their very real existence to me once again. Being sick gives you a chance to slow down and regroup before the torrent of the unfortunate ‘real world’ sweeps you back up again. I’m using this time most productively to focus on breathing without coughing, catching up on Mad Men, and reading the news. As I grow weary of watching Don Draper bang yet another blonde, I switch back to CNN.  I’ve given up on MSNBC after one too many Middle East inaccuracies and you can’t honestly expect me to watch Fox News. So, I stick with CNN because Anderson Cooper makes me swoon.

Like many of us, I’ve been following the Occupy Wall Street protests with some keen interest and with the proverbial grain of salt. While I too don’t like how greedy some of the big businesses are, I also don’t like how a bunch of people can protest without a unified message. Now, I’m not the most logical person in the world, but I try to at least know what I’m talking about. I mean, let’s face it—I’m a moron who hates whales and vests, but at least I back my shit up. I don’t teeter with my message but come at it with a force stronger than a Republican veto for helping the homeless.

Anyways, I’m baffled by which percentage I supposedly belong to. I’ve seen those pictures of people holding up handwritten signs declaring their allegiance to the other 99%, the 1%, the 53%, the 2% (if you’re a dairy product), the 6% (if you’re a decent beer), among others. Now, I’ve been terrible with math ever since I learned you can’t divide by zero. That just doesn’t make sense to me. In my mind, if you divide by zero, it’s the same thing as dividing by one. If 40 cookies are divided for one person, then 1 person gets forty cookies. If 40 cookies go to zero people, then the 40 cookies still exist. Nobody gets to eat them. Math makes me sad.

I feel like we’ve been categorized as percentages our whole lives. Just think about it. I remember doctors telling me I was in the 5^th percentile for my height and weight, for my age. As in, 95% of the population for my age was taller and heavier than me. Statistics just make you feel diminutive. Now, maybe I’m just unlucky, but statistics have only made me feel worse about myself. You never feel worse about yourself than you do when you’re applying for college. I have to be top 15% of my class? I had to get ‘this’ percentile on my SAT scores? Whatever, I somehow managed to get into University of Maryland, earn my BA, and land a job. And with this, comes scrutiny. Now I need to ally myself with the percent again.

I’m charged by social change. I love that our country allows for protests of government and other displays of inequalities. Yet, this Occupy Wall Street is baffling to me because I’m not sure where I lie. I don’t have a job in the financial sector, and definitely don’t make enough money to be in that elusive 1%. Yet, is it wrong for me to aspire to that? I’ve dabbled with thoughts of Communism and Socialism and see their respective draws (plus, in Soviet Russia jokes are hysterical). Still, the major flaw with these forms of government is their lack of competition. If we’re all supposed to be equal, then what’s the push to move forward? I’m not saying I don’t view each person as valuable to this planet (Boston Red Sox excluded), but don’t people need drive?

I’m ticked off that oil companies get richer and small business close. I do believe in higher taxes for those making more money, just as I fully expect to pay a shit ton of taxes when my novel takes off. But that’s just the rent we pay to live in this great country. I don’t view the drive to succeed as a bad thing. I feel as though this Occupy Wall Street movement is punishing those who want more. Is it greedy if I’ve earned it?

I don’t fully understand their message (I’m sure most of them don’t either), but it’s not realistic. We all want change, and I agree the economy is rough. Jobs are scarce and I have countless friends who are eagerly looking. I can blame a lot of people for the economic mess we’re in, but I’m not going to waste my time. I’d rather just be good at my job than sleep outside for weeks carrying a sign for a movement that promises zero job security. When it comes down to it, you do what you have to do to pay the mortgage. I took that from Thank You for Smoking. Maybe it’s time people took their own initiative and stopped playing the devil’s game of mathematics. Just do your shit. It’s not like we use math in the real world, anyways.