The “upsell” and the downfall of women

I know we’ve been bitching about it for centuries, but it’s really shitty being a woman. That childbirth thing notwithstanding, the most annoying part about being a chick is the challenge to constantly look good. I’m trying to be realistic here, because what I define as looking ‘good’ for me is really just basic hygiene for everyone else.

I don’t want to sell myself too short (although I am too short), but I’m a pretty filthy person. I remember to shower, but I am constantly spilling food and gasoline on myself. Bathing myself is really an exercise in futility. Again, I’m the reason why we can’t have nice things.

I know it’s not just me who is downright dirty and unkempt. There’s a very good reason why the Brawny man is sexy as hell--women use him to sop up the guacamole they dropped on their pants while watching Jeopardy (this doesn’t describe my Monday night one bit…). Brawny tells women that it’s okay to be a slob because let’s face it, some ruggedly handsome man in plaid with still love us. Sadly, he’s the one of only a few cleaners that love women back.

I feel the absolute worst about myself when I’m at a nail salon. Nail salons and beauty spas in general have the sole purpose of making women prettier, but when you’re there, you just feel awful. I don’t know any men who have been to, or would admit to going to a nail place, which is why I’m going to illuminate the experience to you. Besides the carcinogenic stench of acetone, nail salons also degrade your self esteem.

Last week, I was there for a manicure. I’m trying to stop biting my nails as one of my resolutions, so I figured I’d be less inclined to chew on formaldehyde I spent $15 to put on my fingers. I was treated to a small lecture about how disgusting my cuticle beds looked and how ragged my nails were. That’s just what I heard in English. I have no idea what else my manicurist said about me to her colleagues.

Nowhere else does a woman get such loathsome treatment. Think about it guys, what if you were told that your feet were ugly when you tried on shoes? Or, that your wrists were fat when you tried on watches? Wouldn’t you be less inclined to buy that watch? And yet, women are supposed to keep getting manicures?

Let’s talk about another grievance. I routinely get my eyebrows waxed because I’m too much of a pussy to pluck on my own. There is nothing more daunting than a total stranger peering inches from your face with a popsicle stick full of hot wax and a piece of fabric to rip it off just seconds. Just when it can’t get any worse, you hear the dreaded words “Upper lip wax?”

I hate this. All of my female friends have said that this has happened to them one time or the other. Half the time, it's not even a question. Just a stated fact. You’re at your most vulnerable, and then you are made aware that on top of a grotesque unibrow, you’re also told you are growing a mustache.

I was talking about this with my boss yesterday, and I compared it to the upsell that you see in other places. For instance, my friend John said that when he worked at a movie theatre, they would routinely try to sell you that large popcorn for just a quarter more. That’s an upsell. Like when you can Supersize at McDonalds or add a dollar to some charity at CVS. However, upsells for beauty shouldn’t also be the norm. If anything, I should be less inclined to buy something that makes me feel worse about myself when I have to buy it. At least with McDonalds, I feel worse after I buy it.

On the other (hairy) hand, maybe I’m supposed to be guilted into another purchase. After all, if I’m told I have mustache, wouldn’t I want to do anything in my power to get rid of it? Shouldn’t I be grateful for my cosmetic savior for pointing out that yes, my upper lip is darker than the rest of my face? Am I that dangerously close to looking like Ron Swanson?

I hate that people offer you more than you came in for, but I guess that is just a universal business model. I don’t feel bad when I supersize my McNuggets but somehow, being told that my sideburns are getting out of control is unforgivable. I just wish that manicurists and waxers everywhere would realize that even if they are getting business, it’s at the expense of making women feel like ugly pieces of shit. The upsell of removing hair has the downside of terrible feelings that are only assuaged after the wax burn has subsided an hour later.

And yes, I’m fully aware I’m growing a beard. But maybe, I'll wear it with pride! No more bullying at nail salons! Hirsut women of the world, unite! If we don't all die alone first. 

i could be frida for halloween. i just need the flower.