Support for 'The Douchebag'

sup, bra?

I’m sure you guys have seen those stupid commercials for the 4G phones on AT&T Wireless. The one where one unfortunate guy says, “Hey, did you hear it’s raining?” and some smug assholes with smartphones respond, “That’s so 4 seconds ago” as they whip out their hipster umbrellas for the impending rain. While I could have rant about my first world problem for only having a 3G phone, I was instead more angered about this degree of douchebaggery.

I’m no expert on the subject or its history, but I want to make the assumption that this current generation is probably the most douche-y of all of them. When I pondered about it, I thought we were perhaps tied with the Enlightenment. Yet, one glance at Wikipedia on the subject made me decide otherwise. The 21^st century is not the Age of Reason.  Suck it, John Locke and Voltaire…we want more than life, liberty, and property. I may not agree with what you say, but I don’t defend your the right to say it.  I will mock it. On my Blogger.

Despite my ardent desire to hold onto a life of simplicity by shopping at thrift stores and talking to strangers in supermarkets, I find myself strangely drawn to becoming a douchebag. Sure, I only own Apple products and I gel my hair, but I never had the overall mindset. I had stayed away from that attitude as long as possible until now.

What changed? Last night, I went out for beers and burgers at the Quarry House and one of my friends stated, “Just wait until I get more money, then I can be an even bigger douchebag”. Let’s dissect this for a second. One, he’s implying that he is already a douchebag. Does this mean it is an inherent personality trait? Two, does more money equal more douchebaggery? I started to wonder why this was something to aspire to until I realized the secret: douchebags are the happiest people on Earth.

Winston: Oh, you mean Schmidt? He was just dressing up like Santa.
Alvin: Then why isn't he wearing a shirt?
Winston: You know, we ask ourselves that question every single day.
Alvin: Is it because he's a d-bag? Mommy says he's a d-bag.

Think about it. Douchebags have the best stuff, wear the nicest clothes, and nail the hottest chicks. Douchebags are the immoral capitalists of the interpersonal relationship dynamic because they are constantly striving to make a profit at the expense of others. Fuck the proletariat class…it’s the bourgeois or bust. Douchebags don’t care who they hurt with their snide comments about why their computer/moisturizer/phone/restaurant/sweater is way better than yours. You’re a moron for even thinking that cable knit was a viable option. Don’t you feel happier for not picking your Target sweater now?

Here’s my new question—can girls be douchebags? I am reminded of the age-old contradiction when guys say they want to date a girl who is independent, but then they criticize a girl for being selfish when she makes more money than them. I can see how a ‘girl douchebag’ can also be described selfish or even worse, a bitch, because the gender paradigm in this country blows. Yet, if I want to be a douchebag, I will anticipate that people will think the worst of me. I will be trouncing on the downtrodden woman to inflate myself when we should all be a sisterhood. Is it worth spending more on a purse because that extra compliment will keep me warm at night? That’s when I discovered—being a girl douchebag means you can be just as terrible to men as you are to women. Problem solved! I can’t wait until I buy a better gun than my male friends.

My biggest self-complaint is that I never allow myself to stay content. I’ve quoted it once, but my favorite line of poetry “To stay is to be nowhere”. Douchebags are the most transient people and always strive for bigger and better things. Is that really such a bad thing? Sure, they might be dicks, but what’s the point in being complacent? Not only is the grass greener on the other side, it’s got a fucking slip and slide in the backyard. Oh, and the beer isn’t domestic swill. It’s import. Welcome to the best block party of your life (members only).

I don’t want to be excessively nasty and cruel, but from this point on, I might take on some of the Way of the Douchebag. I will not permit people to treat me like shit with their second-hand crap of problems. My newest mantra is “Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be” (Elizabeth Gilbert). I may not possess the most cutting edge items on the market, but that doesn’t mean I won’t say the stuff I own isn’t the absolute best for me. And I matter. I’m worth it, and most importantly, so are you. It’s time to stop wishing and start doing. Now.

Put some pride back in being a douchebag. Get off your fucking dirty couch, stop watching your reruns, and go out for a spray tan. Or buy an expensive watch. Get that French manicure. Down a bottle of Dom.  Enjoy for that lap dance. Do something that makes you happy for you, and for once in a while, feel secretly better than everyone else. In the words of the great Tom Haverford and Donna from Parks and Recreation, ‘Treat yo’self’.

And for the love of God, don't lose your driving moccasins!