I have to apologize for taking an extended leave of absence from this blog. In between moving, entertaining many visitors, road races, and walking in on people having sex in the bathroom at Waffle House, I’ve had a super busy past couple of weeks. Also, instead of balancing the two, I’ve been writing more in the infamous ‘beer book’, so much to the point that I’m beginning to hear it narrated by Bob Saget in my head. Oh, that’s right, I’ve also watched 3 seasons of How I Met Your Mother. Dammit Ted. I anxiously await the day my writing will break free from his pretentious narrations and I can start a sentence without the introduction, “Kids, let me tell you about the time I tried a new beer, drank vodka shots, sang with a band, drank Corona and more vodka shots, and vomited on the hood of my car, on my way to a different bar to try another new beer”.
In fact, I want to take a page out of Barney’s book. That’s right, for the next couple of paragraphs, I am going to write about how awesome I am. Okay, specifically, how awesome short chicks are.
I went out to the movies earlier this week with my roommate Dani and my sister Karen. We encountered a preview for the upcoming “Show White and the Huntsman”. The hotness of Kristen Stewart a discussion for another post, I wanted to know what happened to the dwarves. Maybe I’m spoiled on Disney or poorly misinformed on the real fairy tale, but those dwarves were instrumental to Snow White’s survival in the woods. Plus, she taught Grumpy how to feel again. If that’s not a heartwarming tale of love across overworked dwarves with developing emphysema, I don’t know what is.
Anyways, it got me to thinking about why short people get the ‘short’ end of the stick, and if they are somehow less of a person. Most of the abuse I've personally encountered or seen to others can be seen in this video here. It’s another one of those “Shit People Say to Short Girls” but I have had over half of these said to me. Including the shit about booster seats, baby hands, being first to drown in a flood, and ordering off kid’s menus.
Anyways, it got me to thinking about why short people get the ‘short’ end of the stick, and if they are somehow less of a person. Most of the abuse I've personally encountered or seen to others can be seen in this video here. It’s another one of those “Shit People Say to Short Girls” but I have had over half of these said to me. Including the shit about booster seats, baby hands, being first to drown in a flood, and ordering off kid’s menus.
At a commanding 5 feet (er, 4 feet, 11 and ¾ inches), I’ve also had people tell me I have the personality of someone at least 5’4. I don’t know if this is a compliment or not. Does it mean I literally must be ‘this’ tall to have the personality attributes of an adult, despite what my license proclaims my age is? (Yes Quarry House, I’m STILL over 21, no matter how many times April checks my ID). Does that mean taller people have more personality—that there is an exponential growth the more inches you accrue? If that’s so, I want you to explain Andre the Giant’s limited range of emotions. If I had three selfish wishes that I couldn’t spend on world peace or saving baby seals, my set would not include one to grow taller. And here’s why.
First off, and most obvious, being short is absolutely adorable. People treat you like an orphaned animal and scoop you up to carry you. Seriously, all the time. It doesn’t matter where you’re going--you will spontaneously get scooped and placed in a new walking direction. Think about how many times you wish someone would carry you and now promptly get jealous at how many times I’ve been privy to countless piggyback rides. People bench press me. I always get to stand in the front row of group pictures. Awesome.
Pity points aside, being short is incredibly practical and actually beneficial to others around me. I’ve had my good friend Aaron sing the stupid song, “Short People Have No Reason to Live”, but who else can crawl under beds and retrieve loose beer bottles? Surely not tall people! Yet, a tiny chick can reach such forbidden depths. I’m an instant armrest for all. On airplanes and buses, coach seats feel like first class for me. The seat behind the driver seat in my car has more legroom than a real first class seat. I can pack more clothes in suitcases because I have 5 inches less of denim in my jeans. I can buy my clothes in the girls’ section at Kohl’s and save $10 average on said tiny jeans.
I do have to admit the one of my biggest fears some time ago was that any guy interested in me must be a pedophile, since I look like I’m 12. Or, that whenever I’m on a date, people will think it is “take your daughter to work day”. Apparently, I can put these anxieties to rest because most guys find short chicks attractive. Let’s face it: I’m incredibly bitchy and neurotic. However, these traits are somehow more endearing when they come a hobbit.
To prove this, I found an article from 2002 stating that short women were more likely to be in long-term relationships and have kids than taller women:
“Shorter women are more likely to have long-term relationships with men, and more likely to have children, according to a study of 10,000 people born in the UK in 1958…The average height for a British woman is 1.62 metres (5 feet, 4 inches). But those who were between 1.51 and 1.58 metres were most likely to be married and to have children by the age of 42. This relationship held true even after accounting for social class” (You can read the rest of the article. ).
“Shorter women are more likely to have long-term relationships with men, and more likely to have children, according to a study of 10,000 people born in the UK in 1958…The average height for a British woman is 1.62 metres (5 feet, 4 inches). But those who were between 1.51 and 1.58 metres were most likely to be married and to have children by the age of 42. This relationship held true even after accounting for social class” (You can read the rest of the article. ).
Then again, this survey is ten years old and written by a group of people who use the stupid metric system. I have no idea how many metERs I am tall, so I want to find some more believable facts.
I was intrigued to find that tall women are actually more scared of short women than the reverse. One blog suggested that short women be fined for dating tall people. It was implied that maybe we [short women] should pick up someone our own size. Written in Amazona, (Link to the blog) the author believes that guys only date short women because men are insecure and feel emasculated by tall chicks. If that’s the case, well high five bro. As a petite Barney Stinson, obviously it’s my goal to bang as many insecure guys with low self esteem as possible.
I’m kidding. This article made me feel mildly guilty, and then promptly more awesome, for being such a five-foot threat. Apparently, this author believes the shorter you are, the more you take advantage of everyone. While I can’t speak for the other short whores out there, I certainly don’t date just to ‘stick it to’ tall women and help guys out with their Mommy issues. That being said, I know plenty of >5’5” sluts. I have yet to find a convincing reason that scientifically states why short chicks are seemingly more successful, outside of some vague associations with evolution.
So, I encountered another British article on a phenomenon called the Tinker Bell Syndrome. It asked, can being small in stature drive ambition? I don’t know if I’m more or less ambitious than the average person, but the logic of the article made sense. Psychologist David Lewis, from MindLab international, stated, (and I’m keeping the stupid British spellings intact):
“In evolutionary terms, small women are as favoured as tall men: females between 4ft 9in and 5ft 1in and men who are 6ft 1in or more are the most likely to marry and have children. But the downside of this is that men – and society in general – will often infantilise petite women, underestimating their intelligence, their strength and their ability to perform even the simplest task. Men, it has to be said, do like to be looked up to by their women.” Ahh…the insecurities of men again!
Lewis believes that this ‘infantilising’ of small women can breed a sense of resentment and rebellion that makes them more ambitious and more flamboyant than average-sized females. He continues,
“It’s likely that being small could result in a woman developing a Tinker Bell complex. Certainly it explains why we have so many famous examples of tiny women who are larger than life”. The article points to powerful women like Lady GaGa, Kylie Minogue, Dolly Parton, and Jada Pinkett Smith, who have done so much with so little height.
“It’s likely that being small could result in a woman developing a Tinker Bell complex. Certainly it explains why we have so many famous examples of tiny women who are larger than life”. The article points to powerful women like Lady GaGa, Kylie Minogue, Dolly Parton, and Jada Pinkett Smith, who have done so much with so little height.
“Funny, fearless and fun-loving, the typical Tinker Bell can sometimes be a little manipulative and self-pitying when, in fact, the last thing they need is pity. However much they might protest, and however high the heels they don, Tinker Bells know they have an advantage in life. Even in bare feet, they are capable of achieving heights beyond the reach of many women who physically dwarf them.
You can read the rest of the article here.
And that’s my case. If you aren’t convinced that short chicks are awesome (if not psychologically unstable from their mental and physical high heels), then keep putting them down. You’ll realize that we won’t shrink, but one day, we’ll actually overpower you. I many not be able to reach the top shelves in my pantry, but I sure as hell won’t stop scrambling on top of my counter to lean on my microwave until I get a can of baby corn--which is way better than full grown corn.
Love it! As a self-identified short girl measuring in at 5'1'' on a good day, I wholeheartedly agree to all the points made here. Also, I find it fascinating that while short men are compared to a successful general, women are likened to a sparkly Disney character. Eh, I don't mind. Just don't expect me to wear a mini-skirt and don a pair of wings.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the great read!