Last year around this time, I blogged about the upcoming New Year and resolutions. (http://sharonandcaring.blogspot.com/2011/01/am-i-last-person-who-actually-cares.html) I came to the conclusion that the majority of people out there were unmotivated ass-clowns who didn’t keep their resolutions for more than two weeks. I decided to neg on you so hard that many of you actually came up with real resolutions to show me up and prove that yes, you could stick to your guns on something. (Ironically, many of you have guns. In my new 2011 mind, I find you that much cooler).
I am really proud of everyone who I spoke to who said that I ridiculed their lack of drive enough to make a self-improvement promise and keep it for the year. That was my goal in the first place because truthfully, if you were truly an unmotivated ass clown, you wouldn’t be my friend.
Since I am the female Barney Stinson, I cannot brag enough that I kept all of my resolutions from last year, and I am MORE AWESOME because of it. That’s right. I drank over 100 new beers. I cut way back on French fry consumption, and I managed to bike all the way to Harpers Ferry from my house. Now that I did these, I crave for more.
I don’t think the human condition allows us to stay content. Either that, or I personally suffer severe ADHD or fear of contentment. One of my favorite quotes from a poem is “…to stay is to be nowhere at all” by Rainer Maria Rilke. Interpret that as you will, but I think the meaning is clear. If we’re not moving, we’re stuck in nothingness. I always like the push to go somewhere new, and even though I get lost 99% of the time (thanks for the ghetto route in Virginia, Garmin), it’s better than being complacent.
So, once again, I am urging all of my friends to nut up or shut up, and make baller resolutions this year. The Mayans and John Cusack said the world would be ending in 2012. What if that’s true? Fuck TS Eliot, don’t you want your world to end with a bang, and not a whimper?! Here is my new list of 12 awesome resolutions for 2012. Even if the world were to end, just working towards these would make my final days on Earth so cool, I’d be ice cold (like the impending apocalypse).
Finish the entire rough draft of my beer book. For those of you who thought I was just drinking 100 new beers for my own drunken ramblings, I really have a larger plan in place. I am writing a tell-all memoir about all the shenanigans I had with each beer. I’d like to have it ready by the end of the year, so I can have it published in 2013, and then it can be turned into an HBO show. Naturally, Mila Kunis is going to play me.
 |
| we are totally identical! obvi. |
Speaking of Mila Kunis, I want to improve my physique. I want to actually improve my exercise and maybe get abs. I know my body is too small to have a six pack, but maybe a two-pack is doable.
I want to lower my mile time by a full minute. So I am comparable with the Kenyans and can vie for the Olympics.
Be nicer to Alex Orr, even though he probably doesn’t deserve it. Stop laughing at his cocktails and actually try them.
Learn skeet and trap shooting. Furthermore, improve my accuracy with handguns and shoot more rifles.
Learn how to drive stick. I’m going to need some help with this one. Specifically a friend with a standard car. Who is patient. And won’t mind me making immature car puns. That’d be clutch.
Try to stop biting my nails.
Travel to the West Coast.
Actually complete my stupid one night stand project so I have a usable piece of furniture that I've successfully stripped and stained.
Go camping. For realsies. None of this Girl Scouts bullshit.
Sing in public more. Get better at singing. Well, realistically, don't get worse. Also, drink less at band shows/practice. Maybe just shows.
Broaden my skills at work—whether it be figuring out how software and hardware work, or getting published somewhere else.
There it is, ladies and gentleman. My list of gangster resolutions for 2012. Join me in the quest for an amazing year and make your own personal suggestions. I’d love to hear them. I’m a shit-getter-doner, so failure is never a possibility for me. I am going to try so hard, my resolutions will be diamonds by the end of the year. Shit or get off the pot friends, 2012 is the year to fucking make something of yourself.
No comments:
Post a Comment