Raising Hell for the Holidays

Last year, I wrote about the winter holidays and how Christmas was that much better than Hanukkah. This year, taking a page out of the Republican candidates, I’m going to flip flop on this issue. Christmas sucks too. I know the actual holidays themselves are nice once you’re celebrating them (especially in Atlantic City, like I will), but the weeks leading up to the winter holidays are terrible.

all i want for christmas are new candidates.

I hate how parking spots have become endangered species in shopping plazas I want to buy just groceries at. I especially hate how most people wearing Santa hats are disproportionately grumpier than people not wearing Santa hats. I hate the increase in traffic EVERYWHERE, including idiot drivers on the Beltway and dumb pedestrians. I hate how everyone decided to save all of their shopping to the final days of December and I really, really, hate how I am one of those procrastinating individuals. Usually I have my shit together but this was one year where I fell behind.

My friend Dani and I are unfortunately those annoying Type-A people. You know, those people who do the entire group projects rather than let our incompetent colleagues even contribute. Because if we do it, then it will turn out right. Dani is so Type-A that she actually named this blog entry before I wrote it. She seems to be on top of her gifts so well that she’s even buying extras, just because. For once, I hate Dani’s organization because it’s making me look like a slacker.

Arguably, one of the worst parts about the holidays is wrapping presents. It’d be great if everything I bought could tuck nicely in a rectangular box or bag. Just like everyone is painfully unique, all of my presents seem to have more faces than Mount Rushmore. I don’t want the message to come across that I don’t love everyone I’m buying presents for, I literally just don’t like everything about the process (besides making you happy).

Since I’m cheap as shit when it comes to disposable things, I naturally go to dollar stores for wrapping paper and gift bags. I know I take a leap of faith that these items don’t contain lead or mercury. Obviously, I do like saving money. What I don’t like is how each dollar store looks worse than a looted store in New Orleans (yeah, I went there.) For some odd reason, people who buy items at the dollar store, ranging from pregnancy tests to toilet seat lids, don’t seem to care about etiquette. They will not pick things up they drop, will return things to the completely wrong place if they don’t want it, or leave their half-drunk Dr. Pepper bottles on the shelves. Actually, everything about dollar stores involves everything in the wrong place.

I had to deal with people buying 5000 plastic reindeer ornaments in front of me to the guy hogging the aisle with his shopping cart full of mechanical pencils and place mats. I don’t understand how everyone could possibly need this much stuff all at once. Like most things in my life, I like to go in and out without making too much of a mess. I shouldn’t let dollar stores piss me off that much because I’m saving an average of $2-3 per item, so that should be comparable to the pain and suffering I’ll endure. The place smells like the inside of a shoebox from Payless mixed with a mediocre buffet. I just hope that stench doesn’t linger on me. I just go in, breathe through my mouth, and suck it up as I buy my questionably procured items from what looks like Santa's forgotten basement of crap.

I just feel that there needs to be a lot more courtesy this holiday season. We’re all stressed out because we’ve saved the people we love to the last minute. Now, on top of our shitty feelings of shame, we have to battle with idiots who can’t park straight and nimrods who decide to take all of the blue, red, and green tissue paper and leave the orange. Why the fuck do I need orange tissue paper? This isn’t Halloween.

Thanks a lot for the anxiety, Jesus. Your birthday is one party I wish I could skip the invitation for this year.