When Facebook makes me Facepalm

Jim Halpert: Yes. I am the popular social networking site known as 'Bookface'.

Let’s face it, we’re all addicted to social media. No, social media is a fancy way of saying ‘stalking the shit out of people’ or ‘making ourselves seem more important than we really are’. I’m the first one to admit I fully check out the Facebook pages of people I went to elementary school with and haven’t spoken to past 7^th grade. SHE got a DUI? HE got fired from his job at the supermarket? What do you mean SHE’S in Mexico City? What were her parents thinking? Facebook is basically the way I get to judge everyone’s decisions from the comfort of my own Macbook (and yes, I judge you if you don’t own a Mac).

One of the biggest items I judge/spend the most time  on Facebook is the incompetence of my friends. I know I’m skirting a very thin like by insulting you guys. I mean, without you, I would just have a stupid website no one reads. Still, I’m ready to out one of my biggest pet peeves—people advertising how dumb they are when it comes to the ‘new’ Facebook. I was talking to my friend John about this last night, and he asked me if I got the new Facebook yet.

First, I had to back track and recall what new even meant for Facebook. The layout has morphed a decent number of times since I first obtained an account on the ‘book. I did enough mental math to realize that my Facebook changed just a couple of months ago, and therefore, was no longer ‘new’. There must be something on the horizon. Yet, further research/stalking proved that just because it didn’t happen on mine, some friends were showing previews of the new timeline. I’m okay with technology changing. After all, we need it to beat the Soviets and to keep Apple in business (hello iPad 2S) Anyways, I told John that no, I hadn’t seen the new Facebook officially on my page but some friends had the layout. John asked me what I thought.  Here’s how our lovely conversation last night went:

‪John: I'm having fun creeping on all the old posts people have written me

‪me: it looks intuitive

‪John: It's fun, I like it

‪me: i feel like people are going to bitch for a week

  

and i'm like

  

stfu [shut the f up]

I could just yell at you guys for not embracing technology as well as John does. He’s using this new timeline to inflate his already-awesome person by remembering how awesome he is on Facebook. I personally use Facebook as a self-esteem boost because each of those thumbs up to something I’ve done is another smile for the day. Or, a post on my wall from a friend shows that I’m important enough to take time out of their day to share a thought with me.

While I schedule an appointment with my therapist for narcissism, I’m going to go back to the other thought. I know that my Newsfeed is going to be cluttered with status updates about hating the new Facebook, that you just don’t get it, and my personal favorite, “facebook, WHYYYYYYYY?!?!!?!?” If I wanted to broadcast that I didn’t understand something, I’d write ‘math, WHYYYYYYY??!?!??!” or “WTF is up with this Iowa caucus and why is Newt Gingrich taken seriously?”. Those are valid updates.

However, I’m going to see friends who I know are smarter than me complain that they can’t use an interface that was designed in 3^rd grade history. My friends, I love you, but I don’t want to hear about how your life is ruined because you won’t be able figure out where your pokes went or where your personal tag is hiding. If you truly cannot discover how to use the new Facebook within an hour, save yourself the humiliation and read a help page (https://www.facebook.com/about/timeline).

No one really wants to hear about your difficulty because we’re all adjusting to the same goddamn site you are. Just because the layout is new, doesn’t mean your selfish inadequacies are novel. Or, you can just advertise that you’re a disorganized moron on your status. I’ll be the one laughing at you. From my therapist’s couch. For being narcissistic and a sociopath.

But at least I’ll be right.