I will never amount to anything because I’m not Will Smith’s kid

This is a potentially dangerous post because my mom has recently joined in on the fun of my blog. Here’s my disclaimer, Mom: I’m very happy being your daughter. In reality, I would never trade parents for you and Dad, ever. I’m just saying, in this hypothetical blog world that I exist in, maybe my life would be better off if you had married Will Smith.

Will Smith, you are amazing. I loved you as Will in Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and your career has just exploded into awesomeness since then. You are a tremendous actor and with the exclusion of I Am Legend, I really enjoy your movies. You’re an remarkable husband to your mega-hot wife, Jada. Will Smith, you seem like an all-around cool guy. Why shouldn’t your coolness transfer to your kids? Oh right, because they’re not that cool.

You all know Will Smith’s kids. We first got exposed to Jaden, or at least I first did, in his role with Will in The Pursuit of Happyness. He was adorable and it makes up for the fact that The Karate Kid looked terrible. Listen, the kid isn’t a bad actor but he gets exposure because he’s Will Smith’s son. He’s cute and we love him because Will will stop making movies if we protest. We’d like to think that Jaden will replace Will Smith when Will no longer acts. I know Will has to stop sometime because I envision a huge war between America and Will Smith for total dominance over July 4th. As much as I love Will’s movie premieres that time of the year, I think America’s birthday is more important. Anyways, after we bomb Will in an effort to spread democracy, I’m sure we’d all like Jaden to replace him and make movies about aliens and overcoming poverty. And because he’s Will Smith’s son, we’ll have to let him.

Onto Willow Smith. To the best of my knowledge and because I’m too lazy to IMDB her, I don’t think she’s appeared in any movies. However, she assaults my ear drums at least a couple of times a week for her single, Whip My Hair. This song at best gives irreversible whiplash. She’s not a particularly terrible singer but she’s not a particularly good one either. I don’t think if she were anybody else’s kid that she’d be on the radio. The song is about throwing your hair all over the place. I do that all the time. Granted it clogs the shower and I have to Drano the tumbleweeds of my hair twice a month but what I mean to say is, Willow, you’re not special. The song is irritating and you shouldn’t be on the radio except that you’re Will’s daughter. And now we all have to suffer.

I hate the sense of entitlement that Will Smith’s kids are enjoying because of who their Dad is. My dad is cool too, but I don’t just barge into the Supreme Court because he’s an awesome patent attorney. If Will Smith were my father, I could just amble in there and demand to be a Supreme Court Judge without having to go to law school. Listen, Will, I love you, I really do. Just stop foisting your kids on us because they’re not that great. They’re not bad people but they are going to use your celebrity status to poison the entertainment industry more. Is Miley Cyrus really that talented or did her father just push her into the spotlight, using his own status? As if Billy Joel’s daughter is any good either.

Again, let me stress how much I hate entitlement based on celebrity genetics. Get famous for your own reason and stop using the excuse of famous parents. I blame you here a little too Will for encouraging your children to follow dreams they’re terrible at. Just let them grow up and work hard for those dreams they probably still wouldn’t accomplish on their own. Then again, if I were Will Smith’s daughter, I’d probably live it up and have three published novels right now. But since I’m not, I have a blog. Sorry guys.