A post Samantha Jones would be proud of

Note—thanks to everyone who responded to my previous post. I’m happy that everyone maintained at least a modicum of good Internet decorum and we’re all still friends. It’s nice to see where everyone stands on the issue and at least we all agree that Olivia Wilde is smoking hot. Now, onto my usual nonsense.

Samantha: I'm so sick of these people with their children. I'm telling you, they're everywhere! Sitting next to me in first class, eating at the next table at John Schu— [A child runs by.] Look at that. This place is for double cappuccinos, NOT double strollers

I really don’t care for children. No, let me clarify—I don’t care for poorly behaved children. There are really only three small children that I like, and I’m related to two of them. And the other is the son of my boss. So that’s a bias that I can’t avoid. When I say children, I mean people under the age of 10. You know, those kids that shouldn’t be taller than me but ultimately end up towering over me when they hit their 8^th birthday.

I don’t like kids because they impede on my liberty of personal space. I like to have a tranquil, quiet experience when I wait in line at the post office. I do not like to see kids climbing on the boxes as if the Wheaton post office is a jungle gym of corrugated proportions. And where are the parents? On their cell phones, which means that someone else is watching their kids. I have a problem with this obligation for me to look out for the kids. What if I didn’t catch the small boy who fell from the stamp display? Maybe he should have had the concussion. It would have taught the parents not to text and FedEx at the same time.

Also, today at the gym, some woman just brought her son in. While she was barreling away on the treadmill, her 6 year old just hopped on the elliptical. No supervision or anything. This is real exercise equipment and obviously this woman couldn’t be bothered to make sure her son knew what he was doing, let alone even stretched before he got on there. Then again, she really did need to be at the gym, if you catch my drift. But it’s negligent to just let them roam around a large gym not because of the risk of injury but more for the fact that he ruins everyone else’s experience. The gym is one of the few places you can get away and just be an adult. Or so I thought.

Kids at fancy restaurants, kids in stores with breakable items, kids on elevators…I just can’t stand it. For goodness sake, I saw a woman with a stroller and a toddler at 9 pm at the Quarry House (a bar in Silver Spring). If kids ruin my zen-like drinking experience one more time, I might give up alcohol. I’m kidding, let’s not jump to extremes. I’ll just pick up day drinking in my basement and watch Schindler’s List or some other horribly non-kid friendly movie. Sounds like a blast.