What’s in a name? I want to prune the rosebushes

Call me a minimalist, but my annoyance of the day is names with extra letters. You heard me correctly. Today, I am going to talk about how much I hate something that we have absolutely no control over: the spelling of our names. Like most people alive today, my parents named me and picked the spelling of my name. As you already figured, I have no qualms with how my name is spelled and therefore I give myself justification to mock the spelling of everyone else’s name.

Here’s what’s up. I don’t like extra consonants or redundant vowels in names. I realize I can’t change it but I can say I’m angry. This started when I was reading the back cover of a book and saw the author’s name: Dianne. Ugh. What’s wrong with just Diane? Do extra letters really assert our individuality? Does that extra ‘n’ make Dianne a more trusted expert in business than Diane? Maybe they give you an extra, albeit silent, consonant when you get your PhD from the University of Phoenix.

I’ve seen my name spelled with extra consonants. Prime example: Sharron Angle. I don’t even know where to start with her but I’ll be safe and criticize one of the many things about her that don’t make sense, that second ‘R’ in her name. Why? It’s not like you pronounce it. She’d have a name worthy of a Spanish love song with all those trills if you did.

I imagine that all you individualists out there are screaming at me. Shouldn’t we our parents be allowed to spell our names how we like? I’m arguing with kindergarten logic at best—that infernally repeated ‘so what?’ I’m not trying to insult anyone with special names, heck even my sister has an extra ‘n’ in her name. Just think about how much time she’s wasted filling in that extra bubble on every single standardized test she’s taking. I feel sympathy for all the trees she’s killed with all the number 2 lead she’s used filling in that bubble.

All slippery slide logic aside, I’m aware that this rant isn’t grounded in anything. I appreciate being unique as much as the next person. I’m one of the quirkiest people I know (need proof? Read this blog). All I’m saying is that you don’t need an alternative spelling of your name to assert yourself. You’re plenty unique without spelling your name with flair. You know the Nazis had pieces of flair that they made the Jews wear. Just kidding, that’s just a quote from Office Space.