Watch out--this girl will give you a virus, and I'm not talking HIV

I’m going to be completely honest. I don’t know how the Internet works. I get that it’s a series of tubes (thanks Ted Stevens) but I still can’t figure out exactly where/what the Internet is. It’s kind of like trying to figure out how man was created. I could go all Creationist and say that a divine being, let’s call him Al Gore, created the Internet in his image. Basically, everything online, from YTMND lore to Redtube, is created in his divine image. Now, if he could only man up and fix his marriage…

I know that there is no central place for the Internet. I vaguely understand the concept of servers but it still baffles my mind. Therefore, I’m very clearly in awe of all the people around me who can use the Internet and by extension, a computer better than I can. It took me 30 minutes to set up an Outlook account. By comparison, one of my sisters can design whole city plans and render them with architecture software and the other can create a mega lucrative website because she is fluent in a dozen programming languages. I’m jealous but not in a malevolent way. But, if I’m updating this blog, I have to be angry about something, right? Therefore, I’m going to piss off the people who can cause me the most damage.

I hate people who hack and create computer viruses. Note, this doesn’t apply to my bff in the hacking biz because he uses his powers for good. I hate the people who are so pathetic that they feel the need to demonstrate their computer abilities by ruining someone else’s life. My old Yahoo account got hacked last week and started sending out spam to all my contacts. It created an awkward situation with a person I hadn’t spoken to in a while and for good reason. Thanks a lot hacker. I really didn’t want them back in my life and you just threw them in there.  FML.

I hate people who create viruses more. Seriously, why? It’s so mean and doesn’t accomplish anything but mayhem, Tyler Durden style. And we all know how that ended for him. Peoples’ whole lives are on their computers. It’s just downright nasty to commit cyber arson on someone’s hard drive. Plus, viruses all have awful names—spyware, malware, adware, worms and Trojan horses. I’ve had to replace my hard drive twice because of a virus. Now, critics may say, maybe you should stop downloading music and TV shows from sketchy European sites. But I don’t like to think I’m asking for it. Seriously nerds, maybe you should send your viruses to bad guys, not civilians. Like maybe you should send a virus to North Korea. Or, don’t send a virus. Get a girlfriend. Jeez.